I was running through the numbers of how much DH saves us in dollars by being a SAHP, and how much value he provides - as well as thinking about how much a SAHP *can* provide. There is a point to this, besides simple number-cruching - but I'm going to show that point at the end.
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
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One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
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