I've written a couple of posts where I refer to the frustrations I've had lately because DH has really been struggling with his basic job. And yeah, it's frustrating, but at the same time I really believe it's worth the frustration. Right now, things really aren't completely "working" again since moving shook things up, but things are starting to fall into place and I'm regaining my optimism. There are a number of little signs that things are getting close to working that just make me feel warm, proud of DH, and a little less vulnerable (I'm not used to depending on someone like this).
1. Seeing his name, not mine, on the utility bills that come in the mail (he's taken over paying them!).
2. Coming home to a hot dinner, timed to be done shortly after I arrive! (I know that this takes planning and organization - so if he is using these skills for dinner now, soon he'll be using them in other places too :-)
3. Seeing new chalk scribbles on the brick patio outside, and even the crayon scribbles in the house - it's neat that he's teaching the girls to draw, even if the result is abstract, avant-garde colored-wax decor in inspiring new locations - like the toilit lid.
4. Having DH "nag" me about my chores. Because it means he's managing *my* responsibilities at home now, instead of the other way around.
5. Having DH remind me about focusing on my job via IM while I'm at work. Because it means he cares and values what I do at work and wants to make sure I'm doing it (I've been having trouble focusing lately - bad me!).
I think part of the frustration for me lately has been a feeling of vulnerability. For the first time in my life, I've allowed someone else to take over the primary care of the things I care about most in this world (our children and our home), and I'm scared that he's not going to rise to the challenge. I believe DH is capable, I'm just afraid at some level that maybe he doesn't care enough to do the work. That maybe he doesn't love the girls and I enough. Yeah, I know - I'm a really insecure individual.
:-P
And yes, I know this post is rather intraspective and diary-ish, but I always said that this blog was more of a diary than a web log. I don't care that much about my own reactions, I get those every day while I'm musing and driving to work :-) But if someone reads this and has a thought to share with me, I always love that! And if no one has time or interest - well, I can't blame them. It's my life, after all, and the things on my mind - I'm not making an effort to write for other's interest.
I guess I just want to say, if anyone reads this and thinks, "geesh, this is boring, why does she even bother?" and feels bad - don't. As a diary, the main audience here is actually myself. You should feel free to be bored, or think that this is a bit silly and angsty and that other people have much bigger problems.
But if you *do* read this and leave a comment, you'll make my day! ;-)
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3 comments:
Well, here I am at last to make your day. Because I just made mine and currently have NO PAPERS to correct. I will have some soon, I think, but maybe three, tops. And they are very, very late.
I love reading your wandering brain, especially when it comes to the husband type. Don't worry, these are things we all do to each other, no matter who is bringing home the bacon. Rikki-san has been trying to just focus on one thing a day at home, if this helps your DH any. Say, kitchen on Monday, Laundry on Tuesday, vacuuming on Wed., shopping on Thursday, yard on Friday? Saturday can be a limited catch up day, because you should still enjoy your day, and you can ask folks to help you with a weekly or monthly date night. We were doing that with Rikki-san, but it fell apart when her DH started his masters.
Part of it may be accepting a messier standard, as long as it isn't actually dangerous. Once again, come to Rikki's house on Mondays and you will see that she is probably on par with your DH, and supposedly, being the woman, should be doing better. But we all fall apart, and if it's not a high priority, then it's not.
One thing I've been doing is making sure dishes get done before I go anywhere, either a load or an unload, not necessarily both.
Another family you know has been doing this: the man washes the dishes and the woman reads to him out of a book they are both interested in. That way they get time together after the kids are in bed, but they can still get the house straightened out before the next day.
Another part is that you have to be patient. It's hard if we've always focused on our professional lives or hobbies, to realize that "life maintenance" aka "housekeeping" HAS to happen, and it has to happen regularly unless we are sick. Otherwise the good fairy is not going to do it.
OR
It is ok to get a maid once a week for a thorough cleaning. They are not expensive and it might take that pressure away that you and DH are experiencing, at least a little. I suggest a trial run of a month or two. My DH has suggested this several times, but in my case, I have a lot of boxes I must personally attend to, and no maid can do that for me. But I'll consider it someday, I think.
Have a happy day! And let's get together soon! Maybe we can leave the guys with the kids and go out for tea/pizza/whatever. Yes?
I do a cleaning activity a day and my husband dior the dishes if I cook. Life with toddlers at home means time evaporates. You wipe and feed and time out and your spouse is home before you got that chance to pick up all those toys. Focus on what you want the most. Is it the safety of your children or development of their minds?I pressure myself so much to clean that the kids are always seeking attention, positively or negatively. I limit their TV watching to try and be the best mom I can be, and I swear sometimes I think the kids who are in safe homes watch a little everday(for everyone's sanity). I know a Catholic family that is doing exactly what you are except with 4 kids. She works at Microsoft and her husband stays home. Maybe I could give Andrew your contact info. What do you think? Maybe DH is depressed? I wish you could've stayed longer to chat. Cherie
Just wanted to say I know how you feel a lot of times. I love reading your thoughts and some times I am amazed at how things for me are very similar on the other side of the country. Anyway, I'm still here reading your posts even though I don't get much time to reply due to work blocking the blogger site.
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