Agreeing on responsibilities isn't enough

Before we actually had DH stay home, we had an agreement about how we wanted things to work. We both agreed that we wanted the kids to have lots of time with me when I was home, and we agreed that this meant that I would be doing less housework. The idea was, I would be primary parent when I was home and when I was home DH would do most of the housework that he didn't get done during the day. I would help him out after the kids went to bed, and during naps on weekends.

We have always had similar views on what housework needs to be done: Very little. I need clean clothes for work, but otherwise we just need to be covered and not making anyone uncomfortable. I do care about nutrition, but cooking can be minimal - steam the veggies, cut some bread and cheese. Clean dishes for eating do matter - reusing dishes from the previous meal bugs me. The clutter should be managed well enough that we aren't constantly losing things we need, like unpaid bills or favorite toys. Any cleaning or repair work needed to avoid permanent damage to our house or valuable property should be taken care of. Clean, clear surfaces for cooking are a major nice-to-have because I do like to cook at least on Sundays. We had a list of who did what, and chore schedules.

In short, we actually had very clear expectations. However, we didn't do one important thing: We didn't designate who was in charge of enforcing this agreement. So things kept falling back into the "old way" that they used to work - because things wouldn't get done so I would do them, or would nag Bjorn to do them, or would try a new schedule of chores but (again) wouldn't tell Bjorn that he needed to manage the schedule and make sure it happened. I still felt like everything was my responsibility, but I couldn't actually do the work - and yet we both knew Bjorn was supposed to manage things, so at the same time it felt like he was failing. We were both taking responsibility for the failures, but not taking responsibility for organizing things to avoid those failures.

I finally realized that it wasn't the work at home itself that was getting to me. It was the stress of being responsible for the work, and for everyone's attitudes. I was still carrying that responsibility from back when I was the main homemaker. So no matter how much work DH does, it won't matter until he's doing the thinking and managing work as well. No matter how little work I do at home, it won't make any difference until I quit worrying about everything else that needs to happen but doesn't at home.

Agreeing on the responsibilities - the labor responsibilities - isn't enough. You need to agree on who will manage the responsibilities as well. And that's where we messed up. The working parent shouldn't be managing the home life, but without a specific agreement on who managed things, this work defaulted to its prior owner: The wife. Me.

We don't generally acknowledge that nagging, reminding, and encouraging other family members to be involved in the home life is work - sometimes it's exhausting and stressful work. It's part of a huge heap of work SAHPs do that we don't acknowledge. They MANAGE. Social calendars, budgets, attitudes, goals . . . someone needs to organize these things, watch over them, make sure they don't go sour. We missed it. Oops.