It's no secret I want to work less and stay home more. DH likes this idea too, except for the reality that we haven't yet figured out a realistic way to afford it.
I'm wondering more and more if we could possibly pull off something clever with contract work long-term, so that I spend 6 months at home and DH spends 3 months at home each year, with 3 months where we both work and the children are in care - sort of a reverse-summer-break.
This would actually work as a two-year cycle to maximize the time DH and I can spend at each job. In other words, DH would work for 18 months straight and I would work for 1 year straight, with three months of overlap at each end.
A plan like this has a number of hang-ups, and I've already thought of probably 90% of them and come up with decent solutions for most that I've thought of, with ease. However, there is one thing that absolutely must be in place before we deliberately attempt this, something that I am less sure how to handle:
Debt-free with three to six months expenses in the bank.
This is where this plan gets tough. A plan like the one I described has significant financial risk every three to six months, and we MUST have some buffer space! To get this, DH and I will need to work simultaneously for roughly two years netting $20K per year above our non-debt expenses before we can even start (obviously, we're not including mortgage debt here!). There are other ideas, but none that we can count on (e.g., start a business netting $20 to 30 K a year; have one of us work nights consistently; and so on). Even having us both work has a number of variables we can't control, like that DH has been looking for work for 8 months with no luck already and that childcare could eat through his income if hours don't work out.
Could we handle it? Is it worth it to put our kids in childcare for two years? Is there another way to get these $$?
Showing posts with label SAHP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAHP. Show all posts
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Appreciate your breadwinner
Every day that a breadwinner leaves their house, they also leave the belongings that matter most to them in the world - their children and their home - in the hands of their spouse. If you are a SAHP, take a few minutes here to savor the faith and trust that your beloved places in you every workday. It is a daily gesture of respect and honor to you.
Recently, a friend linked this post on how SAHMs are heroes. It is very true, yet for me as a woman, I've heard most of it all before. Except one part.
"I’m always hearing wives refer to their husbands as Heroes. Hero this and Hero that. In particular you hear it when they talk about their husbands going off to work to provide for the families."
This brought tears to my eyes, to realize that there are SAHPs who value their breadwinners so highly. To know that some SAHMs realize how hard it is to walk out that door every morning and put the family behind you as if they weren't the thing you love most in the world, for eight hours every single day - that is very precious, indeed. This may sound strange to you, but I have never heard this sentiment before - that a breadwinner is a hero. I have always heard about how wonderful SAHPs are, how much they do for so little recognition - and I have no doubt that, for most people, this is the society they live in.
But it's not the world I live in. And so, for me, it was a small tragedy when I read the next line, even understanding where it was coming from: "But it’s really bunk. Mothers are the real Heroes."
Of course, the author is, himself, a breadwinner. He probably feels confident that his work is important and necessary for his family. He blithely states later that men like going to work, and that is often true in a sense (for men and women) - yet I suspect that even parents who love their jobs would normally rather do them for, say, just ten hours a week. The other thirty hours or so, we'd rather be home with our families. Daily employment is a sacrifice, for any parent who has their priorities straight. Sardonic Catholic Dad, the author, does have his priorities straight BTW - he was just playing down his role, to lift up and glorify his wife. But his wife is also correct - he is a Hero, too.
Sardonic Catholic Dad is right to tell mothers and SAHPs "don’t feel to sorry for us or put us up on a pedestal". However, the truth is that being a parent requires hard work and sacrifice, regardless of what your role is in the family. Regardless of whether you stay home or work for pay, your spouse is a hero. Love him, honor him, and do something special for him (or her).
Recently, a friend linked this post on how SAHMs are heroes. It is very true, yet for me as a woman, I've heard most of it all before. Except one part.
"I’m always hearing wives refer to their husbands as Heroes. Hero this and Hero that. In particular you hear it when they talk about their husbands going off to work to provide for the families."
This brought tears to my eyes, to realize that there are SAHPs who value their breadwinners so highly. To know that some SAHMs realize how hard it is to walk out that door every morning and put the family behind you as if they weren't the thing you love most in the world, for eight hours every single day - that is very precious, indeed. This may sound strange to you, but I have never heard this sentiment before - that a breadwinner is a hero. I have always heard about how wonderful SAHPs are, how much they do for so little recognition - and I have no doubt that, for most people, this is the society they live in.
But it's not the world I live in. And so, for me, it was a small tragedy when I read the next line, even understanding where it was coming from: "But it’s really bunk. Mothers are the real Heroes."
Of course, the author is, himself, a breadwinner. He probably feels confident that his work is important and necessary for his family. He blithely states later that men like going to work, and that is often true in a sense (for men and women) - yet I suspect that even parents who love their jobs would normally rather do them for, say, just ten hours a week. The other thirty hours or so, we'd rather be home with our families. Daily employment is a sacrifice, for any parent who has their priorities straight. Sardonic Catholic Dad, the author, does have his priorities straight BTW - he was just playing down his role, to lift up and glorify his wife. But his wife is also correct - he is a Hero, too.
Sardonic Catholic Dad is right to tell mothers and SAHPs "don’t feel to sorry for us or put us up on a pedestal". However, the truth is that being a parent requires hard work and sacrifice, regardless of what your role is in the family. Regardless of whether you stay home or work for pay, your spouse is a hero. Love him, honor him, and do something special for him (or her).
Monday, July 7, 2008
I need to write more on WOHPs - what does a good WOHP look like?
This blog is starting to become the diary I've always wanted to keep, but never felt motivated enough to maintain. I love the perspective I get from the comments - not just support, but also subtle questioning about my thinking. Hence three entries today - I'm going through a shift in thought, and documenting it in my diary.
This post is my thoughts about how giving up on responsibility at home has a flip side - I need to start living up to and thinking about my responsibilities at work. Until this point, I've been stressed about home and family. It's more important to me, and what I really care about, so it's what I've been writing about. Home is still important to me, but I've made a decision to conciously spend less time on caring about it. A SAHP is someone you can trust with the things that are most important to you in the whole world, and that is what I am trying to do. I've given myself permission to be disappointed with my husband, and that seems to be important. But while I was focusing too much on things that aren't my job, my actual job has slipped badly. I need to spend some time being disappointed with myself :-) And think about how I can be supportive and encouraging for myself, too.
If this blog is going to be my diary, it's a great place to get myself back on track. A diary doesn't have to just reflect my state of mind - I can use my diary as a tool to actually change my state of mind. Right now, I want to be thinking more about work. When I think about home, I want to be thinking about how I can appreciate and support my spouse and love my children, not about how to fix problems. Why is fixing the operation of our home my responsibility? It's not.
When I think about work, I should be investing the same kind of passion and active involvement that I was putting into my home life. True, I care less about work than about home. Nonetheless, it's my job and it is important. The fact that my work is less important than caring for children and preparing them for the world is no excuse not to do my best. My job is a critical part of my husband's work, giving him the resources he needs to feed, clothe, and care for my children so he can focus on teaching them how to live and on making a home out of our house. So expect more posts on my efforts to be a better employee as a WOHM who can (hopefully) rely on a SAHD, and fewer posts about how to get a reverse-traditional home to function.
While writing this, I had an interesting twist in my thought direction. Because of my desire to encourage and motivate DH, I've been thinking a lot about how important SAHPs are, and how difficult their jobs really are. I need to look at the other side for a bit, now. I want to keep talking about how cool the things DH does are, but I also want to start looking at the WOHP role in our home and in general, and I want to get a better understanding of it. I hear so much about WOHPs who treat their spouses like slaves and never do anything to help out, who are condescending and unfair. But what does a good WOHP look like? What do they do - and what do they not need to worry about, because they are entrusting it to the SAHP?
While writing this, it just hit me that I have very few models for this. I've never really lived in a home with a WOHP (Work Outside the Home Parent) who relied on a SAHP. No wonder I've been getting overinvolved. I really wonder what SAHPs expect from WOHPs. I don't want to be a female version of that wretched, crude, unappreciative WOHD figure at one extreme, but I also don't want to be living like a single mom - trying to "do it all" - either. Yes, I've asked DH for his take on what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing - but he doesn't have a good answer, and I suspect he doesn't really know either. He has said that he doesn't think I should be responsible for any of the work around the house, but I really don't think he should be expecting to do it all without help.
Hrm . . . maybe I should ask for a little help from those who read this blog? In your family, what are the responsibilities of the WOHP? What do you think WOHPs, in general, need to do better? What does a great WOHP look like? Feel free to use WOHD or SAHM (the normal gendered Dad / Mom versions of WOHP, SAHP) or whatever terms work for you - I'm not hung up on being PC.
This post is my thoughts about how giving up on responsibility at home has a flip side - I need to start living up to and thinking about my responsibilities at work. Until this point, I've been stressed about home and family. It's more important to me, and what I really care about, so it's what I've been writing about. Home is still important to me, but I've made a decision to conciously spend less time on caring about it. A SAHP is someone you can trust with the things that are most important to you in the whole world, and that is what I am trying to do. I've given myself permission to be disappointed with my husband, and that seems to be important. But while I was focusing too much on things that aren't my job, my actual job has slipped badly. I need to spend some time being disappointed with myself :-) And think about how I can be supportive and encouraging for myself, too.
If this blog is going to be my diary, it's a great place to get myself back on track. A diary doesn't have to just reflect my state of mind - I can use my diary as a tool to actually change my state of mind. Right now, I want to be thinking more about work. When I think about home, I want to be thinking about how I can appreciate and support my spouse and love my children, not about how to fix problems. Why is fixing the operation of our home my responsibility? It's not.
When I think about work, I should be investing the same kind of passion and active involvement that I was putting into my home life. True, I care less about work than about home. Nonetheless, it's my job and it is important. The fact that my work is less important than caring for children and preparing them for the world is no excuse not to do my best. My job is a critical part of my husband's work, giving him the resources he needs to feed, clothe, and care for my children so he can focus on teaching them how to live and on making a home out of our house. So expect more posts on my efforts to be a better employee as a WOHM who can (hopefully) rely on a SAHD, and fewer posts about how to get a reverse-traditional home to function.
While writing this, I had an interesting twist in my thought direction. Because of my desire to encourage and motivate DH, I've been thinking a lot about how important SAHPs are, and how difficult their jobs really are. I need to look at the other side for a bit, now. I want to keep talking about how cool the things DH does are, but I also want to start looking at the WOHP role in our home and in general, and I want to get a better understanding of it. I hear so much about WOHPs who treat their spouses like slaves and never do anything to help out, who are condescending and unfair. But what does a good WOHP look like? What do they do - and what do they not need to worry about, because they are entrusting it to the SAHP?
While writing this, it just hit me that I have very few models for this. I've never really lived in a home with a WOHP (Work Outside the Home Parent) who relied on a SAHP. No wonder I've been getting overinvolved. I really wonder what SAHPs expect from WOHPs. I don't want to be a female version of that wretched, crude, unappreciative WOHD figure at one extreme, but I also don't want to be living like a single mom - trying to "do it all" - either. Yes, I've asked DH for his take on what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing - but he doesn't have a good answer, and I suspect he doesn't really know either. He has said that he doesn't think I should be responsible for any of the work around the house, but I really don't think he should be expecting to do it all without help.
Hrm . . . maybe I should ask for a little help from those who read this blog? In your family, what are the responsibilities of the WOHP? What do you think WOHPs, in general, need to do better? What does a great WOHP look like? Feel free to use WOHD or SAHM (the normal gendered Dad / Mom versions of WOHP, SAHP) or whatever terms work for you - I'm not hung up on being PC.
Agreeing on responsibilities isn't enough
Before we actually had DH stay home, we had an agreement about how we wanted things to work. We both agreed that we wanted the kids to have lots of time with me when I was home, and we agreed that this meant that I would be doing less housework. The idea was, I would be primary parent when I was home and when I was home DH would do most of the housework that he didn't get done during the day. I would help him out after the kids went to bed, and during naps on weekends.
We have always had similar views on what housework needs to be done: Very little. I need clean clothes for work, but otherwise we just need to be covered and not making anyone uncomfortable. I do care about nutrition, but cooking can be minimal - steam the veggies, cut some bread and cheese. Clean dishes for eating do matter - reusing dishes from the previous meal bugs me. The clutter should be managed well enough that we aren't constantly losing things we need, like unpaid bills or favorite toys. Any cleaning or repair work needed to avoid permanent damage to our house or valuable property should be taken care of. Clean, clear surfaces for cooking are a major nice-to-have because I do like to cook at least on Sundays. We had a list of who did what, and chore schedules.
In short, we actually had very clear expectations. However, we didn't do one important thing: We didn't designate who was in charge of enforcing this agreement. So things kept falling back into the "old way" that they used to work - because things wouldn't get done so I would do them, or would nag Bjorn to do them, or would try a new schedule of chores but (again) wouldn't tell Bjorn that he needed to manage the schedule and make sure it happened. I still felt like everything was my responsibility, but I couldn't actually do the work - and yet we both knew Bjorn was supposed to manage things, so at the same time it felt like he was failing. We were both taking responsibility for the failures, but not taking responsibility for organizing things to avoid those failures.
I finally realized that it wasn't the work at home itself that was getting to me. It was the stress of being responsible for the work, and for everyone's attitudes. I was still carrying that responsibility from back when I was the main homemaker. So no matter how much work DH does, it won't matter until he's doing the thinking and managing work as well. No matter how little work I do at home, it won't make any difference until I quit worrying about everything else that needs to happen but doesn't at home.
Agreeing on the responsibilities - the labor responsibilities - isn't enough. You need to agree on who will manage the responsibilities as well. And that's where we messed up. The working parent shouldn't be managing the home life, but without a specific agreement on who managed things, this work defaulted to its prior owner: The wife. Me.
We don't generally acknowledge that nagging, reminding, and encouraging other family members to be involved in the home life is work - sometimes it's exhausting and stressful work. It's part of a huge heap of work SAHPs do that we don't acknowledge. They MANAGE. Social calendars, budgets, attitudes, goals . . . someone needs to organize these things, watch over them, make sure they don't go sour. We missed it. Oops.
We have always had similar views on what housework needs to be done: Very little. I need clean clothes for work, but otherwise we just need to be covered and not making anyone uncomfortable. I do care about nutrition, but cooking can be minimal - steam the veggies, cut some bread and cheese. Clean dishes for eating do matter - reusing dishes from the previous meal bugs me. The clutter should be managed well enough that we aren't constantly losing things we need, like unpaid bills or favorite toys. Any cleaning or repair work needed to avoid permanent damage to our house or valuable property should be taken care of. Clean, clear surfaces for cooking are a major nice-to-have because I do like to cook at least on Sundays. We had a list of who did what, and chore schedules.
In short, we actually had very clear expectations. However, we didn't do one important thing: We didn't designate who was in charge of enforcing this agreement. So things kept falling back into the "old way" that they used to work - because things wouldn't get done so I would do them, or would nag Bjorn to do them, or would try a new schedule of chores but (again) wouldn't tell Bjorn that he needed to manage the schedule and make sure it happened. I still felt like everything was my responsibility, but I couldn't actually do the work - and yet we both knew Bjorn was supposed to manage things, so at the same time it felt like he was failing. We were both taking responsibility for the failures, but not taking responsibility for organizing things to avoid those failures.
I finally realized that it wasn't the work at home itself that was getting to me. It was the stress of being responsible for the work, and for everyone's attitudes. I was still carrying that responsibility from back when I was the main homemaker. So no matter how much work DH does, it won't matter until he's doing the thinking and managing work as well. No matter how little work I do at home, it won't make any difference until I quit worrying about everything else that needs to happen but doesn't at home.
Agreeing on the responsibilities - the labor responsibilities - isn't enough. You need to agree on who will manage the responsibilities as well. And that's where we messed up. The working parent shouldn't be managing the home life, but without a specific agreement on who managed things, this work defaulted to its prior owner: The wife. Me.
We don't generally acknowledge that nagging, reminding, and encouraging other family members to be involved in the home life is work - sometimes it's exhausting and stressful work. It's part of a huge heap of work SAHPs do that we don't acknowledge. They MANAGE. Social calendars, budgets, attitudes, goals . . . someone needs to organize these things, watch over them, make sure they don't go sour. We missed it. Oops.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Monetary value of a SAHP to their family - specifically, my DH
I was running through the numbers of how much DH saves us in dollars by being a SAHP, and how much value he provides - as well as thinking about how much a SAHP *can* provide. There is a point to this, besides simple number-cruching - but I'm going to show that point at the end.
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
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One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
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