We had a wonderful beginning for our Christmas season. We went to the 8:30 PM Christmas Vigil at Immaculate Conception. We were planning on going to the 7:00 PM mass at St. Mary Magdalene, but then weren't sure if it started at 6:30 or 7:00 and their website didn't have the information posted. Since Immaculate Conception did post their schedule, we went there.
The girls behaved amazingly well for 8:30 PM. Lenora did talk an awful lot and she has a very rich voice for a toddler, which carries nicely - except during Mass, when a more easily lost voice would be nicer. There were some amusing conversations with DH whispering "Hush, it's time to listen," and her saying, "No! Stop talking. You need to be quiet," in a voice just a little quieter than her normal speaking voice. Otherwise, I found myself able to participate in the Mass more than usual. I don't know if I'm finally adjusting to Mass with two toddlers or if two toddlers are finally adjusting to Mass with me, but lately I've actually found myself hearing most of the reading and a good portion of the homily.
On Christmas Eve, the girls went to bed around 11:00 PM - very late! Then DH and I stayed up until 3:00 AM putting together their new kitchenette, adding the red decorations to the Chrismas tree, baking cinnamon-creamcheese swirl bread (that I, sadly, undercooked but was still yummy) and stuffing stockings. Note to self: Stop procrastinating on quitting your procrastination habit.
The girls slept in until 9:15 the next morning, which we were duly (and dully) grateful for. For breakfast, they had a slice of cinnamon swirl bread plus the contents of their stockings - an orange, and lots of candy (plus some stuffed toys). We had covered their kitchenette with a blanket, so it went undiscovered - until just as the Becas (made-up word for one set of grandparents) walked in, where they found an excited Iliana who had just pulled the blanket off of her toy kitchen. They couldn't figure out why she was so excited, since they didn't realize that she had just discovered it! The girls loved their new toy, played with it for about 30 minutes straight, and wandered back to play some more throughout the day.
We talked with the Becas, the girls opened a few more presents, we ate lunch and pie. We discussed how happy we were that, if nothing else, the recession has diminished the pressure to buy gifts this year. We are all introverts (except probably Iliana), and gift-giving and receiving is often more stressful than enjoyable for us. There are so many customs and expectations piled on Christmas gifts; while it's sad that people are tight on money, I'm glad to see the outrageous pressure being reduced a little and the focus returning to the spirit of the season and love of Christ.
This Christmas season was very educational for us. We didn't quite have the Christmas we hoped for, but I'm not sure it was achievable this year anyways. We could have had the decorations, everything done "proper", and two stressed-out parents, or we could have had the laid-back celebration that we did have. I think we chose the better part of the holiday, mostly, but now I have a much clearer picture of what I want this holiday to be for our family.
The question now, for me, is how to celebrate Lent and Easter richly. I don't want it to feel half-hearted at all. But that is a rambling musing that belongs to a different post.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Labor-saving snow!
There's a tree in our yard that I had been mildly thinking about removing, since it blocks sun in what could otherwise be a nice place to expand my garden. However, removing a tree is a lot of work, so I didn't worry about it too much.
The tree has been taken out by the snow. It's a fairly small tree, only about six feet tall or so, and well away from the house. The only thing it hit was another tree, which it is currently propped against. It's the Leaning Tree of Pisa!
And our cat is eating our kindling. We finally got around to trying out our fireplace, and we're loving it.
It's snowing again, too.
I love having this house when it snows. It's so warm (especially since we realized the flue in the ireplace was open since we moved in), and looks gorgeous in this weather.
We need to revise our Christmas plans now. We were going to head up to San Juan Island and visit DH's parents (his dad and dad's wife), but there's a bit too much snow for that. Now we're trying to see if the girl's grandparents (DH's mom and her SO) will come to visit in the morning, to watch the girls open presents. Well, there may not be much "opening" - I'm not sure that I can find the wrapping paper, and a couple of the gifts are too big to wrap. Since I only got them "several" gifts total, that doesn't leave a whole lot else! I think the girls will enjoy large, shared gifts best this year. They'll get more individual gifts as they grow up and their interests diverge. I think we avoided overdoing it this year, which is great.
My poor rose . . . there was one last rose left on my bushes, and it's now been quite thoroughly frozen. I suspect a number of my plants will be gone once this thaws. And we'd better find a chainsaw so we can turn that fallen tree into firewood.
The tree has been taken out by the snow. It's a fairly small tree, only about six feet tall or so, and well away from the house. The only thing it hit was another tree, which it is currently propped against. It's the Leaning Tree of Pisa!
And our cat is eating our kindling. We finally got around to trying out our fireplace, and we're loving it.
It's snowing again, too.
I love having this house when it snows. It's so warm (especially since we realized the flue in the ireplace was open since we moved in), and looks gorgeous in this weather.
We need to revise our Christmas plans now. We were going to head up to San Juan Island and visit DH's parents (his dad and dad's wife), but there's a bit too much snow for that. Now we're trying to see if the girl's grandparents (DH's mom and her SO) will come to visit in the morning, to watch the girls open presents. Well, there may not be much "opening" - I'm not sure that I can find the wrapping paper, and a couple of the gifts are too big to wrap. Since I only got them "several" gifts total, that doesn't leave a whole lot else! I think the girls will enjoy large, shared gifts best this year. They'll get more individual gifts as they grow up and their interests diverge. I think we avoided overdoing it this year, which is great.
My poor rose . . . there was one last rose left on my bushes, and it's now been quite thoroughly frozen. I suspect a number of my plants will be gone once this thaws. And we'd better find a chainsaw so we can turn that fallen tree into firewood.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Snow day at work!
This is truly lovely.
Six inches of white, fluffy snow with more still falling. I'm at work right now and relaxing with a cup of coffee while my computer runs automation, after a surprisingly fast commute - given that there is much snow and ice on the roads.
Fortunately, there aren't many people stupid enough to drive on the roads today unless they have to. Those of us who are so stupid had to be careful of snow and ice, but if you are careful to drive in the emptier parts of the road then at least you don't really need to worry so much about other people (incidentally, my carpool driver referred to us both as "idiots" first, so he won't feel maligned by this statement). On 520, this lack of dense traffic was important - the snow was obscuring the lanes entirely. On one part of the road, two "lanes" had formed where there were normally three, and later there was just snow all over, and people just gave each other lots of room and didn't even try to stay in a "lane".
We saw an articulated bus whose rear had swung out and narrowly missed a guardrail, as well as a truck that spun out in the middle of the freeway and was perpendicular to the flow of traffic. However, because there were so few cars there, he didn't hit anyone and just slowed traffic down a bit. We saw several spinouts on the sides of the road - I was surprised that msot of the cars having trouble were the big ones, not little ones. We picked up some people who were walking down a freeway exit; we couldn't tell what had happened, since they had poor English, but I'm guessing that their carpool broke down or slid out.
I think I'm the only one here for my entire floor - possibly my entire building. The quiet is unnerving. The cafeteria is closed, but the coffee machines in the kitchenette work fine, as do the vending machines. I should be able to get a lot of work done today.
Six inches of white, fluffy snow with more still falling. I'm at work right now and relaxing with a cup of coffee while my computer runs automation, after a surprisingly fast commute - given that there is much snow and ice on the roads.
Fortunately, there aren't many people stupid enough to drive on the roads today unless they have to. Those of us who are so stupid had to be careful of snow and ice, but if you are careful to drive in the emptier parts of the road then at least you don't really need to worry so much about other people (incidentally, my carpool driver referred to us both as "idiots" first, so he won't feel maligned by this statement). On 520, this lack of dense traffic was important - the snow was obscuring the lanes entirely. On one part of the road, two "lanes" had formed where there were normally three, and later there was just snow all over, and people just gave each other lots of room and didn't even try to stay in a "lane".
We saw an articulated bus whose rear had swung out and narrowly missed a guardrail, as well as a truck that spun out in the middle of the freeway and was perpendicular to the flow of traffic. However, because there were so few cars there, he didn't hit anyone and just slowed traffic down a bit. We saw several spinouts on the sides of the road - I was surprised that msot of the cars having trouble were the big ones, not little ones. We picked up some people who were walking down a freeway exit; we couldn't tell what had happened, since they had poor English, but I'm guessing that their carpool broke down or slid out.
I think I'm the only one here for my entire floor - possibly my entire building. The quiet is unnerving. The cafeteria is closed, but the coffee machines in the kitchenette work fine, as do the vending machines. I should be able to get a lot of work done today.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Ideas for quick, frugal, filling meals
I occasionally write up my ideas for cooking on a budget - both of time and of money. As a geek, I love lifehacks (tricks that make life just a little bit easier), and as a working mom short on time who used to be a SAHM short on money, I have experience with both frugality and saving time. So I have a nice little bag of tricks by now.
Rather than continue to re-write this, I thought I'd throw a list of thoughts for recipe ideas and cooking lifehacks onto my blog. These are quick notes - leave a comment if you want a specific recipe in detail, and ask for as many as you are interested in. I will post them in the comments as they are requested. I may take as much as a week to get back, if I've lost the recipe and need to recreate it and test it on my own family first. I only get time to cook on the weekends.
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I like marinades, personally. Cut meat into small pieces, and soak over night. Or make lots of marinade at once and then freeze several batches of meat, to save time. The marinade soaks in as the meat freezes and thaws.
Then you have many choices:
- Saute; Put the meat on pasta and use the marinade in the pan as sauce.
- Saute; Add pasta sauce - white sauce or tomato - for a more standard pasta.
- Saute; Put the meat on rice and pour the marinade in while the rice cooks to add flavor, or use marinade as a sauce.
- Pour your marinade mix, raw, into a crockpot with vegetables, beans, barley, etc. and some extra water or broth to make a stew. If you leave extra cooking time, the meat can even be frozen. Serve with bread.
- Saute, ideally in a wok; add veggies to make a stir-fry. Serve with rice.
- Cool sauteed meat in the fridge and throw it into a green salad with nuts and red onions, plus any other salad stuff that sounds good (cheese, peppers, fruit). The extra marinade makes a wonderful salad dressing.
Since lots of small pieces of meat add a lot of flavor to a dish, marinades of small pieces of meat work great for frugality (meat is the most expensive part of our grocery bill).
Marinade ideas:
- Olive oil, oregano, basil, garlic, balsamic vinegar, diced onions, and maybe a little red wine (alchohol will cook out) works on almost any meat (but mediocre for tofu, and use white wine w/ fish).
- Hoisin sauce, green onions, oyster sauce, soy sauce, vegetable oil, and sherry or white wine vinegar works great for a stir-fry or asian food - this works for chicken. beef, and tofu - but I am not sure about pork (might be too salty) or fish (*should* work).
- Olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, tarragon, white wine vinegar, and pepper works great on chicken and probably would be good on fish.
To make your own marinade recipe, use an oil, include a vinegar, citrus juice, and/or alcohol to help dissolve flavors that won't dissolve in oil, and add spices and veggies or fruits with strong flavors like onions, peppers, and citrus. I did a strawberry-balsamic vinegar marinade once (when strawberries were on sale, of course!) that worked well with beef :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can buy bulk freeze-dried veggies online at http://www.honeyvillegrain.com , and I've found these useful for prepping gift meals or cooking ahead. Give meat in a freezer bag and a mix of dried veggies, spices, beans, or stew-grains like barley and cracked wheat in a ziploc bag with instructions on how much water to add. That way, the meal doesn't take up as much freezer space but still lasts until they need it.
Lentil soups, for crockpots. Barley-lentil is filling, has complete protein (grain + legume), and you can make a soup with only dried ingredients. Add beef, ham, and/or mushrooms for more flavor; shitake mushrooms can be bought dried, although you may need to price-hunt to get a decent price - I see them for 5 times as much in some stores as in others.
Bean chili - mix spices and beans ahead of time and store on a shelf. Add additional veggies or meats day-of if desired. Try using cinnamon, sliced almonds, and mixing in lots of black beans and some raisins for a different type of chili (ask if you want a recipe). Skip the tomato and use lots of white beans, peppers, onions, and chicken broth with your chili spices for a white chili.
Potato soup, with green peppers and left-over ham or bacon.
Fried rice - left-over rice fried with veggies, ham or pork (other meats can work too, just add more salt or soy sauce), and eggs cooked in veggie or canola oil (garlic and onion recommended). Add a little soy or other Asian sauce for flavor, or sesame oil, depending on preference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casserole ideas:
Farmer's Breakfast: Use tater-tots, hash browns, or diced fried potatoes as a base. Layer bacon or ham on top. Pour uncooked scrambled eggs (mixed w/ milk, pepper, salt, etc) on top. Bake in oven.
Meatloaf - stretch the meat by adding more eggs and grains (we use oatmeal and the heels of bread that no-one wants). For variety, try adding spices to give it a different "feel" - we do fajita seasoning for Mexican, and oregano, basil, tomato, garlic for Italian.
Bread pudding, for breakfasts. Or cobblers, if there is a good fruit on sale. Mix quick-cook oatmeal, dried fruit, spices, and dried milk for fruit-and-cream oatmeal mix.
Crust-free quiche. You can mix up the dried ingredients ahead of time and just throw eggs, leftover meats and veggies, and maybe some cheese in, and then cook. I think Rikki-san is the one I learned this from.
Stuffed green peppers can be frozen ahead of time and microwaved before serving.
Shepherd's Pie is ground beef & veggies with mashed potatoes on top and freezes wonderfully. Thanks to Annaberri for letting me on to this secret.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other thoughts that have helped us save money:
- If you have friends in the restaurant business, try asking them where they buy their food - our local restaurants use "Cash and Carry", and that's where we now buy our bulk goods (wish I had a good alias for this person so I could thank her without giving out her name!).
- Use eggs, tofu, and milk or cheese to make meals more filling without expensive meat.
- Check out http://www.allrecipes.com and try an ingredient search whenever you have something you want to use up, but don't know what to do with it. Epicurious.com has similar functionality, but tends to use more expensive gourmet ingredients.
Rather than continue to re-write this, I thought I'd throw a list of thoughts for recipe ideas and cooking lifehacks onto my blog. These are quick notes - leave a comment if you want a specific recipe in detail, and ask for as many as you are interested in. I will post them in the comments as they are requested. I may take as much as a week to get back, if I've lost the recipe and need to recreate it and test it on my own family first. I only get time to cook on the weekends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like marinades, personally. Cut meat into small pieces, and soak over night. Or make lots of marinade at once and then freeze several batches of meat, to save time. The marinade soaks in as the meat freezes and thaws.
Then you have many choices:
- Saute; Put the meat on pasta and use the marinade in the pan as sauce.
- Saute; Add pasta sauce - white sauce or tomato - for a more standard pasta.
- Saute; Put the meat on rice and pour the marinade in while the rice cooks to add flavor, or use marinade as a sauce.
- Pour your marinade mix, raw, into a crockpot with vegetables, beans, barley, etc. and some extra water or broth to make a stew. If you leave extra cooking time, the meat can even be frozen. Serve with bread.
- Saute, ideally in a wok; add veggies to make a stir-fry. Serve with rice.
- Cool sauteed meat in the fridge and throw it into a green salad with nuts and red onions, plus any other salad stuff that sounds good (cheese, peppers, fruit). The extra marinade makes a wonderful salad dressing.
Since lots of small pieces of meat add a lot of flavor to a dish, marinades of small pieces of meat work great for frugality (meat is the most expensive part of our grocery bill).
Marinade ideas:
- Olive oil, oregano, basil, garlic, balsamic vinegar, diced onions, and maybe a little red wine (alchohol will cook out) works on almost any meat (but mediocre for tofu, and use white wine w/ fish).
- Hoisin sauce, green onions, oyster sauce, soy sauce, vegetable oil, and sherry or white wine vinegar works great for a stir-fry or asian food - this works for chicken. beef, and tofu - but I am not sure about pork (might be too salty) or fish (*should* work).
- Olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, tarragon, white wine vinegar, and pepper works great on chicken and probably would be good on fish.
To make your own marinade recipe, use an oil, include a vinegar, citrus juice, and/or alcohol to help dissolve flavors that won't dissolve in oil, and add spices and veggies or fruits with strong flavors like onions, peppers, and citrus. I did a strawberry-balsamic vinegar marinade once (when strawberries were on sale, of course!) that worked well with beef :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can buy bulk freeze-dried veggies online at http://www.honeyvillegrain.com , and I've found these useful for prepping gift meals or cooking ahead. Give meat in a freezer bag and a mix of dried veggies, spices, beans, or stew-grains like barley and cracked wheat in a ziploc bag with instructions on how much water to add. That way, the meal doesn't take up as much freezer space but still lasts until they need it.
Lentil soups, for crockpots. Barley-lentil is filling, has complete protein (grain + legume), and you can make a soup with only dried ingredients. Add beef, ham, and/or mushrooms for more flavor; shitake mushrooms can be bought dried, although you may need to price-hunt to get a decent price - I see them for 5 times as much in some stores as in others.
Bean chili - mix spices and beans ahead of time and store on a shelf. Add additional veggies or meats day-of if desired. Try using cinnamon, sliced almonds, and mixing in lots of black beans and some raisins for a different type of chili (ask if you want a recipe). Skip the tomato and use lots of white beans, peppers, onions, and chicken broth with your chili spices for a white chili.
Potato soup, with green peppers and left-over ham or bacon.
Fried rice - left-over rice fried with veggies, ham or pork (other meats can work too, just add more salt or soy sauce), and eggs cooked in veggie or canola oil (garlic and onion recommended). Add a little soy or other Asian sauce for flavor, or sesame oil, depending on preference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casserole ideas:
Farmer's Breakfast: Use tater-tots, hash browns, or diced fried potatoes as a base. Layer bacon or ham on top. Pour uncooked scrambled eggs (mixed w/ milk, pepper, salt, etc) on top. Bake in oven.
Meatloaf - stretch the meat by adding more eggs and grains (we use oatmeal and the heels of bread that no-one wants). For variety, try adding spices to give it a different "feel" - we do fajita seasoning for Mexican, and oregano, basil, tomato, garlic for Italian.
Bread pudding, for breakfasts. Or cobblers, if there is a good fruit on sale. Mix quick-cook oatmeal, dried fruit, spices, and dried milk for fruit-and-cream oatmeal mix.
Crust-free quiche. You can mix up the dried ingredients ahead of time and just throw eggs, leftover meats and veggies, and maybe some cheese in, and then cook. I think Rikki-san is the one I learned this from.
Stuffed green peppers can be frozen ahead of time and microwaved before serving.
Shepherd's Pie is ground beef & veggies with mashed potatoes on top and freezes wonderfully. Thanks to Annaberri for letting me on to this secret.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other thoughts that have helped us save money:
- If you have friends in the restaurant business, try asking them where they buy their food - our local restaurants use "Cash and Carry", and that's where we now buy our bulk goods (wish I had a good alias for this person so I could thank her without giving out her name!).
- Use eggs, tofu, and milk or cheese to make meals more filling without expensive meat.
- Check out http://www.allrecipes.com and try an ingredient search whenever you have something you want to use up, but don't know what to do with it. Epicurious.com has similar functionality, but tends to use more expensive gourmet ingredients.
Monday, December 15, 2008
More on debt and investing
We are going to be able to pay off our debt more quickly than I thought. Which is good, since we probably won't get much of a tax return. Even without making the slightest attempt to curb our spending, we are chipping away at the debt. In the spendiest part of the year. While stocking up on meat and freeze-dried goods on top of the holiday spending.
As for our tax return being small, I took the maximum amount of exemptions that we qualified for, and have paid very little in income tax. With buying the house, we may get something back. I'm just not sure.
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Someone wisely commented on how I really should have more $$ in savings on my last post - about 10 times more - and wondering how I could feel more secure with investments than savings. Well, it's not entirely rational, but there is a psychological reason I prefer stocks: I am less likely to touch them than savings.
Let's face it, the biggest risk to my savings isn't the economy or Microsoft's stock price. The greatest risk is my own bad spending habits. I am unlikely to lose even half of my savings from market volatility. If I did, though, I'd still have 50% of the money I set aside in the market. On the other hand, there are much higher odds of me spending 100% of my savings for a non-emergency if it's just in the bank. Then I am left with no savings at all, nothing but some stuff - or, more likely, memories of eating out unnecessarily and some extra pounds around my middle.
I get emotionally involved with saving through investments in a way I just don't about savings in the bank - something about the gambling nature of it all, the possible big win someday. Paying off credit card debt has a similar emotional force for me. In the end, that emotional force matters more than a set 3% rate of return in an online bank or the potential 20% loss due to market volatility and needing to withdraw at a market low. I just can't trust myself to keep $$ in the bank for very long, once I get past about one month's buffer. But I'm darned if I'm going to sell stock at a loss for anything less than an emergency, or keep paying those credit card APRs forever! For that, I will be the most frugal gal in town!
Plus I get a 10% discount on MS stock through the employee purchase plan that can help offset volatility. So that also helps me feel more secure about buying MS stock. Yes, I know I should diversify, but I really can't try to do this perfectly right now until our household gets more organized and I have more time. And that 10% buffer is too enticing. Then, too, the odds of MS tanking and wiping out all of my investments are really low - although anything is possible. So I'm putting all of my money there, until things calm down and I have a chance to think and say, "What do I really want to do with this money I'm saving each month long-term, now that I'm used to setting it aside?"
As for our tax return being small, I took the maximum amount of exemptions that we qualified for, and have paid very little in income tax. With buying the house, we may get something back. I'm just not sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone wisely commented on how I really should have more $$ in savings on my last post - about 10 times more - and wondering how I could feel more secure with investments than savings. Well, it's not entirely rational, but there is a psychological reason I prefer stocks: I am less likely to touch them than savings.
Let's face it, the biggest risk to my savings isn't the economy or Microsoft's stock price. The greatest risk is my own bad spending habits. I am unlikely to lose even half of my savings from market volatility. If I did, though, I'd still have 50% of the money I set aside in the market. On the other hand, there are much higher odds of me spending 100% of my savings for a non-emergency if it's just in the bank. Then I am left with no savings at all, nothing but some stuff - or, more likely, memories of eating out unnecessarily and some extra pounds around my middle.
I get emotionally involved with saving through investments in a way I just don't about savings in the bank - something about the gambling nature of it all, the possible big win someday. Paying off credit card debt has a similar emotional force for me. In the end, that emotional force matters more than a set 3% rate of return in an online bank or the potential 20% loss due to market volatility and needing to withdraw at a market low. I just can't trust myself to keep $$ in the bank for very long, once I get past about one month's buffer. But I'm darned if I'm going to sell stock at a loss for anything less than an emergency, or keep paying those credit card APRs forever! For that, I will be the most frugal gal in town!
Plus I get a 10% discount on MS stock through the employee purchase plan that can help offset volatility. So that also helps me feel more secure about buying MS stock. Yes, I know I should diversify, but I really can't try to do this perfectly right now until our household gets more organized and I have more time. And that 10% buffer is too enticing. Then, too, the odds of MS tanking and wiping out all of my investments are really low - although anything is possible. So I'm putting all of my money there, until things calm down and I have a chance to think and say, "What do I really want to do with this money I'm saving each month long-term, now that I'm used to setting it aside?"
Thursday, December 4, 2008
My poor, sweet 401(k)
So I, uh, looked at my 401(k) just now. I basically contributed for the employer match until right before the market started tanking last spring, and then had to take a break so I could manage our other finances. Um, yeah, about that employer match?
Gone. Entirely. With a little extra to boot. Even *with* the employer match, I've lost about $30 (-34.9% YTD change).
BUT! I'm going to be able to start investing in my 401(k) again very soon. So hopefully I'm getting some great bargains now, and will make back the money I lost and then some. Plus I'll be putting some money into my employer's stock purchase plan. The stock is selling for about half what it was earlier this year . . . yay! Of course, this means I won't be paying off my credit cards as fast (we went back into debt recently, in addition to the mortgage of course), but my gut says that we'll do OK on that anyways, and we're better off building up our savings right now. I find that it's easier for me to save by investing than by putting $$ in the bank, so that's what I'm focusing on. Having a large savings account somehow just doesn't make me feel very secure - but having $$ in investments does.
Gone. Entirely. With a little extra to boot. Even *with* the employer match, I've lost about $30 (-34.9% YTD change).
BUT! I'm going to be able to start investing in my 401(k) again very soon. So hopefully I'm getting some great bargains now, and will make back the money I lost and then some. Plus I'll be putting some money into my employer's stock purchase plan. The stock is selling for about half what it was earlier this year . . . yay! Of course, this means I won't be paying off my credit cards as fast (we went back into debt recently, in addition to the mortgage of course), but my gut says that we'll do OK on that anyways, and we're better off building up our savings right now. I find that it's easier for me to save by investing than by putting $$ in the bank, so that's what I'm focusing on. Having a large savings account somehow just doesn't make me feel very secure - but having $$ in investments does.
Monday, December 1, 2008
The cultural weirdness of being a breadwinning mom
I've started realizing that the label "WOHM" does not work well to describe what I do. Recently, I've run across the phrase "breadwinning mom" - and it's the phrase I was looking for in this post on searching for labels that fit me well.
So, why is it weird to be a "breadwinning mom"? Well, first of all, there's my friends. My husband and I have relatively traditional family values, and believe that having a parent care for the children is important and that family comes first. Because of this, the families we get along with are traditional families - including lots of SAHMs. In other words, my closest female friends have a schedule that is very different from mine. During the times that the working spouse traditionally gets the kids out of the SAHP's hair, I am caring for the kids and they may be getting a much needed break from their children. Is this impossible to work around? Well, no! Of course not. But still, it's just one more thing that takes a little more work.
Then there is that reoccuring theme of "expectations". Our society has some really weird expectations of breadwinning moms, a strange mesh of working-mom and breadwinner responsibilities that has a lot of wrinkles to iron out still. A lot of this is based in our strange expectations of SAHD's, which is a blend of working-dad expectations and SAHP expectations. Basically, what I see is that breadwinning dads expect a SAHD to do everything a SAHM does (and call him 'lazy' if he does anything less, although he may do it in a "manly" fashion, or with less precision and tidyness) - but women (two-income, breadwinner, or SAHM) are more likely to expect a SAHD to care for the children and do a little housework. In other words, they expect him to treat child care as a day job, and not try to integrate in the many other responsibilities of a homemaker. The problem is that this means that the breadwinning mom carries the responsibility for managing the home, according to these expectations. It's taken me some time, but I'm starting to realize that men - naturally - have a better grasp of the breadwinning role and how to make it work. I need to look to their lifestyle first, and then modify it to fit me as a woman and mother. Unfortunately, there really aren't mixed gender support groups for breadwinners the way there are for stay-at-home parents; support groups are more a "female" thing.
Finally, there is the new appreciation I have for the life of a breadwinning dad, for the role that men have filled for generations. There has been a renaissance of appreciation for the SAHM in recent years - a long-overdue celebration of a role that has lately been viewed as mindless, unchallenging, and unimportant. However, there are challenges for breadwinner dads that I think many moms don't understand. I'm going to put a line divider here, because the rest of this post is about breadwinners, in general.
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CHALLENGES OF BEING A BREADWINNER
Firstly, a breadwinning parent is placing his or her home and children largely into someone else's care. It helps that this person is a loving spouse and a partner in life's journey, but there is still that lack of control over so many small aspects of life that is very stressful: Everything from your daily nutrition to the values demonstrated to your children is put into another person's care. Having a spouse who doesn't value something you do - from having clean clothes for work, to healthy meals, or to letting you know about the family's day - is much more difficult when that person is in charge of caring for your clothing, shopping for and cooking your meals, and providing for your children's healthy growth and development. I'm beginning to understand why traditionally men need to be the head of the household: Otherwise, it is easy to have your needs neglected or feel like you don't matter as much because you aren't home as much. This plays out differently when the gender roles are reversed - women stay more involved in family life and parenting as breadwinners, including even having the children turn to them first when they want comfort, even though children are around Dad more. However, it's still a factor for women, I think.
Then there is the stress of having THE job for the family. Even a small reprimand from my boss gives me the jitters now (especially since I was so close to being fired so recently). Even when my husband didn't earn enough to cover our expenses if I was fired, I knew we could stretch our savings or use the credit card to cover the gaps until we fixed the hole in our income. This is true no more, and it changes my responses to household issues. When my clothes are not washed frequently enough, my first thought is "How am I going to keep this from impacting my job? No one wants an employee in stinky clothes". I worry more about my health, and want to excercise and good nutrition so that I can do my best at work. I care more about getting sleep, and am less patient with dealing with the kids in the middle of the night or bedtimes that run late and cut into my sleep. Because I am more stressed about my job, I am also more stressed about those aspects of homemaking that impact my ability to hold my job.
And finally, there is the challenge of context-switching, from the busy office where I *need* to know what's going on and be "in tune", to the home environment where I really am out of touch with the details and my frustrated spouse is having trouble understanding why I don't know where the pepper is (made more confusing by the fact that I once knew where everything was). I understand, now, why breadwinning men are so "useless" around the home: It's not incompetance, it's simply that locating daily objects requires tons of tiny little facts and bits of knowledge that someone who is outside the home ten hours most days and who doesn't manage the home just doesn't pick up.
Some of these breadwinning-men difficulties are more difficult to deal with as a mother, since there is an absurd expectation that I will, through my womanly magic, not have these same problems and continue to be a homemaking maven, the working Super-Mom extrodinaire! At the same time, I have a key advantage over most men: I've been on both sides (all three, if you include two-income homes seperately), so I can see how these attitudes develop. I could head off my husband's frustration by showing how our different sippy-cup locating skills were caused by his skill, not by my incompetance. I'm understanding now how women are actually more likely to sell traditional female work short than men, resulting in the strange expectation that anyone should be able to jump into homemaking work at the drop of a hat and do it as well as an experienced full-time homemaker. I'm understanding that homemaking work isn't as easy as homemakers think, but it is, in fact, years of practice and thoughtfulness that give them their unrecognized expertise.
So curious, that appreciation for breadwinning starts with appreciation for homemaking - but it does. Once you grok fully that "Homemaking is hard, important, and has a huge impact on the family" you suddenly understand why breadwinners can feel unwanted and out of place at home if they don't get some say over the family - why, basically, giving men respect is so important in traditional families. In reverse-traditional families, this seems to play out more as having strong communication between the man and the woman, so the woman doesn't feel out of touch and gets listened to. You get why breadwinners may complain about homemakers who don't take charge of the household fully - we complain because it MATTERS, and impacts us and our ability to care for the family as breadwinners (understanding how complaining shows respect for the work a person should do and communicates valueing that work - when phrased appropriately - was important, in our family). You can especially understand why us breadwinners seem to be less "with it" at home than second-income parents (most working moms) or SAHPs - that it's not incompetance, but rather unfamiliarity with a job that relies heavily on prior experience homemaking in that specific family and house to truly excel.
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I know I keep covering similar ground to this post in my blog, but I'm trying to refine what it is about a reverse-traditional family that is so difficult for so many people trying this family style - and why we have so much trouble discussing these problems openly. SAHDs who don't do their housework duties (and, if you look deeper, home management in general) without a huge push is a reoccurring theme among many families I've talked with (interestingly, mainly in relatively new SAHD families), but a woman who says HER family is experiencing this gets a significant backlash in many circles where she should be able to get support. For a breadwinning mom to say she needs support, even, is to invite criticism. Needing support implies that she is doing something challenging and worthwhile, and somehow that seems to take away from the challenges her husband is facing as a male homemaker and from the worthiness of his work. I believe the truth, of course, is that open support for breadwinning mom challenges would add to the support available for men - but that's another post, and this post is already long enough to be three posts.
So, why is it weird to be a "breadwinning mom"? Well, first of all, there's my friends. My husband and I have relatively traditional family values, and believe that having a parent care for the children is important and that family comes first. Because of this, the families we get along with are traditional families - including lots of SAHMs. In other words, my closest female friends have a schedule that is very different from mine. During the times that the working spouse traditionally gets the kids out of the SAHP's hair, I am caring for the kids and they may be getting a much needed break from their children. Is this impossible to work around? Well, no! Of course not. But still, it's just one more thing that takes a little more work.
Then there is that reoccuring theme of "expectations". Our society has some really weird expectations of breadwinning moms, a strange mesh of working-mom and breadwinner responsibilities that has a lot of wrinkles to iron out still. A lot of this is based in our strange expectations of SAHD's, which is a blend of working-dad expectations and SAHP expectations. Basically, what I see is that breadwinning dads expect a SAHD to do everything a SAHM does (and call him 'lazy' if he does anything less, although he may do it in a "manly" fashion, or with less precision and tidyness) - but women (two-income, breadwinner, or SAHM) are more likely to expect a SAHD to care for the children and do a little housework. In other words, they expect him to treat child care as a day job, and not try to integrate in the many other responsibilities of a homemaker. The problem is that this means that the breadwinning mom carries the responsibility for managing the home, according to these expectations. It's taken me some time, but I'm starting to realize that men - naturally - have a better grasp of the breadwinning role and how to make it work. I need to look to their lifestyle first, and then modify it to fit me as a woman and mother. Unfortunately, there really aren't mixed gender support groups for breadwinners the way there are for stay-at-home parents; support groups are more a "female" thing.
Finally, there is the new appreciation I have for the life of a breadwinning dad, for the role that men have filled for generations. There has been a renaissance of appreciation for the SAHM in recent years - a long-overdue celebration of a role that has lately been viewed as mindless, unchallenging, and unimportant. However, there are challenges for breadwinner dads that I think many moms don't understand. I'm going to put a line divider here, because the rest of this post is about breadwinners, in general.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHALLENGES OF BEING A BREADWINNER
Firstly, a breadwinning parent is placing his or her home and children largely into someone else's care. It helps that this person is a loving spouse and a partner in life's journey, but there is still that lack of control over so many small aspects of life that is very stressful: Everything from your daily nutrition to the values demonstrated to your children is put into another person's care. Having a spouse who doesn't value something you do - from having clean clothes for work, to healthy meals, or to letting you know about the family's day - is much more difficult when that person is in charge of caring for your clothing, shopping for and cooking your meals, and providing for your children's healthy growth and development. I'm beginning to understand why traditionally men need to be the head of the household: Otherwise, it is easy to have your needs neglected or feel like you don't matter as much because you aren't home as much. This plays out differently when the gender roles are reversed - women stay more involved in family life and parenting as breadwinners, including even having the children turn to them first when they want comfort, even though children are around Dad more. However, it's still a factor for women, I think.
Then there is the stress of having THE job for the family. Even a small reprimand from my boss gives me the jitters now (especially since I was so close to being fired so recently). Even when my husband didn't earn enough to cover our expenses if I was fired, I knew we could stretch our savings or use the credit card to cover the gaps until we fixed the hole in our income. This is true no more, and it changes my responses to household issues. When my clothes are not washed frequently enough, my first thought is "How am I going to keep this from impacting my job? No one wants an employee in stinky clothes". I worry more about my health, and want to excercise and good nutrition so that I can do my best at work. I care more about getting sleep, and am less patient with dealing with the kids in the middle of the night or bedtimes that run late and cut into my sleep. Because I am more stressed about my job, I am also more stressed about those aspects of homemaking that impact my ability to hold my job.
And finally, there is the challenge of context-switching, from the busy office where I *need* to know what's going on and be "in tune", to the home environment where I really am out of touch with the details and my frustrated spouse is having trouble understanding why I don't know where the pepper is (made more confusing by the fact that I once knew where everything was). I understand, now, why breadwinning men are so "useless" around the home: It's not incompetance, it's simply that locating daily objects requires tons of tiny little facts and bits of knowledge that someone who is outside the home ten hours most days and who doesn't manage the home just doesn't pick up.
Some of these breadwinning-men difficulties are more difficult to deal with as a mother, since there is an absurd expectation that I will, through my womanly magic, not have these same problems and continue to be a homemaking maven, the working Super-Mom extrodinaire! At the same time, I have a key advantage over most men: I've been on both sides (all three, if you include two-income homes seperately), so I can see how these attitudes develop. I could head off my husband's frustration by showing how our different sippy-cup locating skills were caused by his skill, not by my incompetance. I'm understanding now how women are actually more likely to sell traditional female work short than men, resulting in the strange expectation that anyone should be able to jump into homemaking work at the drop of a hat and do it as well as an experienced full-time homemaker. I'm understanding that homemaking work isn't as easy as homemakers think, but it is, in fact, years of practice and thoughtfulness that give them their unrecognized expertise.
So curious, that appreciation for breadwinning starts with appreciation for homemaking - but it does. Once you grok fully that "Homemaking is hard, important, and has a huge impact on the family" you suddenly understand why breadwinners can feel unwanted and out of place at home if they don't get some say over the family - why, basically, giving men respect is so important in traditional families. In reverse-traditional families, this seems to play out more as having strong communication between the man and the woman, so the woman doesn't feel out of touch and gets listened to. You get why breadwinners may complain about homemakers who don't take charge of the household fully - we complain because it MATTERS, and impacts us and our ability to care for the family as breadwinners (understanding how complaining shows respect for the work a person should do and communicates valueing that work - when phrased appropriately - was important, in our family). You can especially understand why us breadwinners seem to be less "with it" at home than second-income parents (most working moms) or SAHPs - that it's not incompetance, but rather unfamiliarity with a job that relies heavily on prior experience homemaking in that specific family and house to truly excel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I keep covering similar ground to this post in my blog, but I'm trying to refine what it is about a reverse-traditional family that is so difficult for so many people trying this family style - and why we have so much trouble discussing these problems openly. SAHDs who don't do their housework duties (and, if you look deeper, home management in general) without a huge push is a reoccurring theme among many families I've talked with (interestingly, mainly in relatively new SAHD families), but a woman who says HER family is experiencing this gets a significant backlash in many circles where she should be able to get support. For a breadwinning mom to say she needs support, even, is to invite criticism. Needing support implies that she is doing something challenging and worthwhile, and somehow that seems to take away from the challenges her husband is facing as a male homemaker and from the worthiness of his work. I believe the truth, of course, is that open support for breadwinning mom challenges would add to the support available for men - but that's another post, and this post is already long enough to be three posts.
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