My DH (Dear Husband and Darn Husband, at the same time) isn't really the provider type. And I'm okay with that. I knew it long before we married, and if I ever wanted to complain about it, the time was then. I conciously chose to accept that part of him, just as I chose to accept our difference in faith, his beard, and his rediculous interest in the Lovecraft mythos.
So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.
If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.
And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.
I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.
But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"
I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.
When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.
I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.
I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).
I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.
I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.
I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?
I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?
Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.
P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.
But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.
Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
So many things happening in my larger family
My mind is abuzz with changing family dynamics.
The biggest thing buzzing in my head is the news that my closest older sister is going blind. There are more tests to be done, but in about 20 to 30 years or sooner, she is likely to be blind. She is already planning, looking at the blessings God has given her that will help her through this.
My younger half-sister recently got in touch, and we will be meeting soon - as soon as my older sister is done moving to her new home that she just bought.
My next older sister recently got in touch with my birth mother's twin sister, and it turns out that she is "a very kind christian woman." Wow, how neat! My maternal grandmother is still alive, and I have her name. My maternal grandfather died 8 years ago. I would have been 17 then.
I'm very ambivalent about these changes. It's sad that my sister may be going blind, but I'm glad it's not sudden and that she will be able to prepare. I'm glad to be discovering new family, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed from everything changing in the last few years in my own family and really just wanted to settle down and asorb things here. Just for a few months.
I guess I'll just take it slow, one day at a time, and focus on the joy of these changes - and let my sister know that I'm here for her and her family, no matter what. Probably everyone will be too busy for me to get to know my new aunt right now anyways, just like has been happening with my half sister.
My *younger* sister. LOL, only another youngest-of-many child can understand the joy of no longer being the youngest. Yeah, I have a half-brother as well, plus a half-sister I've never met, but they are so far apart in age that it really isn't the same at all.
The biggest thing buzzing in my head is the news that my closest older sister is going blind. There are more tests to be done, but in about 20 to 30 years or sooner, she is likely to be blind. She is already planning, looking at the blessings God has given her that will help her through this.
My younger half-sister recently got in touch, and we will be meeting soon - as soon as my older sister is done moving to her new home that she just bought.
My next older sister recently got in touch with my birth mother's twin sister, and it turns out that she is "a very kind christian woman." Wow, how neat! My maternal grandmother is still alive, and I have her name. My maternal grandfather died 8 years ago. I would have been 17 then.
I'm very ambivalent about these changes. It's sad that my sister may be going blind, but I'm glad it's not sudden and that she will be able to prepare. I'm glad to be discovering new family, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed from everything changing in the last few years in my own family and really just wanted to settle down and asorb things here. Just for a few months.
I guess I'll just take it slow, one day at a time, and focus on the joy of these changes - and let my sister know that I'm here for her and her family, no matter what. Probably everyone will be too busy for me to get to know my new aunt right now anyways, just like has been happening with my half sister.
My *younger* sister. LOL, only another youngest-of-many child can understand the joy of no longer being the youngest. Yeah, I have a half-brother as well, plus a half-sister I've never met, but they are so far apart in age that it really isn't the same at all.
More humor - potty horrors
Our girls are ready to potty train. Which is what Bjorn is doing today. However, the pre-training fascination with all things potty-related (especially pee and poo) has given us a couple of fun anecdotes. I'm too tired to write this well, but you should get the gist of how things have been going.
WARNING: Parents will think this is hilarious. Everyone else is at risk of thinking it is disgusting. Do not read while eating.
You've been warned.
There are actually two potty anecdotes, which I will record here for posterity, and also so I can drag these stories out when my kids are teenagers, after they graduate from college, and when one of my daughters is running for President. Or taking vows to become a nun, that would be just as funny.
The first: My daughters have started enjoying using the potty. They also have been starting to play make-believe games, like pretending to be a kitty, or pretending rounded blocks with a square block on top are a car.
Make-believe games, like pretending the vent in their bedroom becomes a potty when they remove the cover.
That's right. Our daughters have been peeing in their bedroom vent. Who knows how manny times. Ugh. I guess that explains the strange smell in our house (it seems to be mostly better now).
Which leads to the second story: To try and curtail the vent-peeing, we left a baby potty in their room one night (since it seems to happen after bedtime usually).
Two hours later, they still hadn't fallen asleep. We went in, and found that one of our daughters had a very large bowel movement in her diaper (and was obviously a little sick, to boot), removed the diaper, and placed the non-gushy parts of the diaper into the potty.
The amazing thing is, she apparently remained standing the entire time since she removed her diaper - which had obviously happened a while ago - since her bum was filthy, but the bedroom was mostly clean. We had to wash a few blankets, but the carpets and walls were perfectly clean, and there were enough clean blankets that we didn't have to go hunt for more.
We are really lucky that the daughter who did this is the one with a strong sense of "clean" and "yucky". Really lucky. Really, really lucky.
WARNING: Parents will think this is hilarious. Everyone else is at risk of thinking it is disgusting. Do not read while eating.
You've been warned.
There are actually two potty anecdotes, which I will record here for posterity, and also so I can drag these stories out when my kids are teenagers, after they graduate from college, and when one of my daughters is running for President. Or taking vows to become a nun, that would be just as funny.
The first: My daughters have started enjoying using the potty. They also have been starting to play make-believe games, like pretending to be a kitty, or pretending rounded blocks with a square block on top are a car.
Make-believe games, like pretending the vent in their bedroom becomes a potty when they remove the cover.
That's right. Our daughters have been peeing in their bedroom vent. Who knows how manny times. Ugh. I guess that explains the strange smell in our house (it seems to be mostly better now).
Which leads to the second story: To try and curtail the vent-peeing, we left a baby potty in their room one night (since it seems to happen after bedtime usually).
Two hours later, they still hadn't fallen asleep. We went in, and found that one of our daughters had a very large bowel movement in her diaper (and was obviously a little sick, to boot), removed the diaper, and placed the non-gushy parts of the diaper into the potty.
The amazing thing is, she apparently remained standing the entire time since she removed her diaper - which had obviously happened a while ago - since her bum was filthy, but the bedroom was mostly clean. We had to wash a few blankets, but the carpets and walls were perfectly clean, and there were enough clean blankets that we didn't have to go hunt for more.
We are really lucky that the daughter who did this is the one with a strong sense of "clean" and "yucky". Really lucky. Really, really lucky.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I am a geek.
I'm sitting at work, writing a bit of code that looks something like this:
if(File.Exist(Server.MapPath(@"~\Directory\" + filename)
{
NiftyClass.DoSomethingCool(baby);
}
else
{
//I get to this point and then stop and realize . . .
//"Do or do not, there is no else!"
Then I noticed that I was writing code for a living while laughing at geeky coding-and-Star Wars jokes, and realized that my dreams of being a True Geek were fullfilled.
I just love that line. I'm putting it in the comments of my application for posterity.
Incidentally, this is why I should not write blog posts after 5:00 pm on a Rosary night. Or code.
Fun, tangential, barely related but humerous story: The first time I ever drank illegally underage (Mom, Dad, don't read this) was when my older college roommate gave me a bottle of a cheap kool-aid like alcoholic beverage. I tried to think of something cool to do while tipsy, and came up with the bright idea of trying to do my introductory programming homework.
Buggiest code I've ever written, debugging it the next day was hilarious!
Friends don't let friends code drunk.
if(File.Exist(Server.MapPath(@"~\Directory\" + filename)
{
NiftyClass.DoSomethingCool(baby);
}
else
{
//I get to this point and then stop and realize . . .
//"Do or do not, there is no else!"
Then I noticed that I was writing code for a living while laughing at geeky coding-and-Star Wars jokes, and realized that my dreams of being a True Geek were fullfilled.
I just love that line. I'm putting it in the comments of my application for posterity.
Incidentally, this is why I should not write blog posts after 5:00 pm on a Rosary night. Or code.
Fun, tangential, barely related but humerous story: The first time I ever drank illegally underage (Mom, Dad, don't read this) was when my older college roommate gave me a bottle of a cheap kool-aid like alcoholic beverage. I tried to think of something cool to do while tipsy, and came up with the bright idea of trying to do my introductory programming homework.
Buggiest code I've ever written, debugging it the next day was hilarious!
Friends don't let friends code drunk.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Confession . . . we don't follow our budget
I've given up on budgets. Not entirely, but they aren't all that useful for us. They are more useful as descriptive documents, describing how we *have* spent our money in the past. And as a theory, for planning purposes, to get an educated guess of where we will be in a few months.
I really wish I could get the budget to work. I like the idea of being so organized, of joyfully pointing out that we are under-budget sometimes. But it just doesn't happen. I can never track our spending that well. I can only manage a general, "Well, our spending looked something like . . . THIS."
So I'm going to try just tracking our savings / debt repayment with a nifty tool online called "NetWorthIQ". It's much easier, and keeps me focused on the real goals - paying off our house, retiring early, doing something with our lives besides working for "The Man", having more time as a family. I want to make a real difference in the world, and that's easier with financial resources.
I want to travel abroad, help people build and rebuild, work hard, live on little . . . but that's another life, after my children have grown older (maybe they'll come along?).
Hrmmm . . . how many people can say they've planned for their mid-life "crisis" at the age of 25?
I really wish I could get the budget to work. I like the idea of being so organized, of joyfully pointing out that we are under-budget sometimes. But it just doesn't happen. I can never track our spending that well. I can only manage a general, "Well, our spending looked something like . . . THIS."
So I'm going to try just tracking our savings / debt repayment with a nifty tool online called "NetWorthIQ". It's much easier, and keeps me focused on the real goals - paying off our house, retiring early, doing something with our lives besides working for "The Man", having more time as a family. I want to make a real difference in the world, and that's easier with financial resources.
I want to travel abroad, help people build and rebuild, work hard, live on little . . . but that's another life, after my children have grown older (maybe they'll come along?).
Hrmmm . . . how many people can say they've planned for their mid-life "crisis" at the age of 25?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Thinking happy thoughts
I've realized that I've fallen into a bad habit lately: I complain a lot. Which doesn't make sense, considering how much God has blessed our family - especially during the last year. But in spite of all the good things, I've been annoyed by the small, bad things - mostly frustration with my husband, in spite of how much good he has been doing.
So, I'm going to start using this blog more as a diary and log some of the good things that happen. Starting today.
Let's see, starting on Tuesday: Bjorn replaced my dying scooter batteries for me, without me even asking! All I had to do was read the instructions from the laptop - he TOTALLY took over the work for me, and even took over managing the work and just bossed me around. At the end of a long day of work, I was so ready for someone else to do the thinking.
Then Bjorn told me we had a box of produce sitting on the porch. Our delivery from the Klesicks' CSA! We got avocados! I love getting surprise-produce every week. It's like getting new gifts every Tuesday. I don't think I'll ever check the website again to see what we are getting. I really enjoy that little weekly surprise.
Wednesday, we had a team lunch. Free food is good, and the company was great. There was some bad stuff, but it'll make a good story for the DH tonight. And last night was also Rosary group, always a breath of fresh air in a busy life.
Today I got in to work, and someone brought in doughnuts! Yum, sugar rush.
And in general, my cross-stitch project that I've been working on while commuting on the bus is coming along nicely. I think it looks better than the sample picture.
Man, my life *is* good. Why do I waste time thinking about all that yucky stuff? When I could be looking forward to some of the good stuff I'm expecting in the next couple of days, or making even *more* good stuff happen?
So, new goal: Focus on making good stuff happen, rather than getting rid of all of the bad stuff. That seems to be what's worked best in the past, I just didn't even realize when I started doing things differently. Too much work as a software tester, which is all about recognizing the bad things and getting them out of an otherwise good project.
That "software tester" approach doesn't work for life - I need to be both the developer and the tester in my life. I need to develop my life and add desireable features to it, as well as recognize the bugs and expugne them. Too much focus on either side is bad. Moderation in all things.
So, I'm going to start using this blog more as a diary and log some of the good things that happen. Starting today.
Let's see, starting on Tuesday: Bjorn replaced my dying scooter batteries for me, without me even asking! All I had to do was read the instructions from the laptop - he TOTALLY took over the work for me, and even took over managing the work and just bossed me around. At the end of a long day of work, I was so ready for someone else to do the thinking.
Then Bjorn told me we had a box of produce sitting on the porch. Our delivery from the Klesicks' CSA! We got avocados! I love getting surprise-produce every week. It's like getting new gifts every Tuesday. I don't think I'll ever check the website again to see what we are getting. I really enjoy that little weekly surprise.
Wednesday, we had a team lunch. Free food is good, and the company was great. There was some bad stuff, but it'll make a good story for the DH tonight. And last night was also Rosary group, always a breath of fresh air in a busy life.
Today I got in to work, and someone brought in doughnuts! Yum, sugar rush.
And in general, my cross-stitch project that I've been working on while commuting on the bus is coming along nicely. I think it looks better than the sample picture.
Man, my life *is* good. Why do I waste time thinking about all that yucky stuff? When I could be looking forward to some of the good stuff I'm expecting in the next couple of days, or making even *more* good stuff happen?
So, new goal: Focus on making good stuff happen, rather than getting rid of all of the bad stuff. That seems to be what's worked best in the past, I just didn't even realize when I started doing things differently. Too much work as a software tester, which is all about recognizing the bad things and getting them out of an otherwise good project.
That "software tester" approach doesn't work for life - I need to be both the developer and the tester in my life. I need to develop my life and add desireable features to it, as well as recognize the bugs and expugne them. Too much focus on either side is bad. Moderation in all things.
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