This is a thank-you for the great, supportive comments people have left on this blog. I get very scared blogging about my personal life sometimes - afraid that I'll reveal something horrible and shallow about myself.
The funny thing is, things at home seem to often improve after I lose my temper. This time was no exception. Rather than sparking a response of defensiveness, DH responded to my temper with kindness and by rising to the occasion. This is despite lots of conversations, effort to be supportive, encouragement - yet screaming and crying for a couple of days made a difference.
This leads me to think I've actually been too patient. I am both proud and insecure - a combination which makes me scared to criticize others lest they cease to love me, and willing to try to "do it all" rather than confront them (because I can do ANYTHING, I am all-powerful! I am independent and don't need any help! Oh, wait, I was wrong, and now I'm exhausted and can't even handle my own share, plus I'm screaming at you like a harridan - oops).
There's a subtle compliment in straight-forward criticism - it says, "You are capable of better, and you are open-minded enough to listen to what I say and use that information to do better." Conversely, there's a subtle insult in saying only encouraging things when you both know one partner is falling short. I do think DH has been depressed, and I think that undermining encouragement - from me - is part of the problem. Especially combined with the obvious signs of strain and the increasingly frequent breakdowns from me. Compared to the mixed messages I've been sending in an effort to avoid putting "too much" pressure on him, screaming and yelling was probably refreshing honesty. But I can do better than that.
I guess the lesson I'm taking from this is that I shouldn't underestimate DH's ability to handle criticism about his failures. Nor should I be afraid to treat him the way I would want to be treated when I let down someone I cared about. I would want that someone to let me know I disappointed them (and I'd want to know how badly), but I'd also want to know that they still love me. If they speak up, I get more control over my life because I am more aware of the consequences of my actions - and I can change them, and become a better person. I would want that.
Right now, the question in my mind is, "What do I do if this starts to happen again?" I'm very scared DH will slip back into laziness at some point, and now I know I should speak up and trust him to listen with charity and humility. But losing my temper isn't right, either. I need to find a better way to tell him when he's not living up to his responsibilities.
I guess I'm going to need to risk being a jerk to DH on a regular basis, and practice giving him meaningful criticism even though I know I'll get it wrong sometimes. I need to be less careful and start trusting him to love me enough to listen to criticism, and I need to trust him to be strong enough to defend himself if I get it wrong. Of course I'll be encouraging and congratulatory when he deserves it too - that's the fun part! Celebrating accomplishments together!
And I need to quit thinking that I'm capable enough that I don't need my husband to act like an adult. That's not patience or kindness. That's believing that I'm better than him. And I know I'm really not.
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2 comments:
Like a harridan. I like that. You are so honest, and it really is fun to read. It got quite a discussion going this evening, actually, because we all talked about some of our shortcomings and struggles at craft night, and wasn't that enlightening? Especially with the work/life balance and who is in charge of what and what happens when you just want to scream at them? Isn't it great that we can all learn from each other?
I hope DH is feeling better too, afer a couple of days of freak outs, but it does tend to be cyclical over here, too. We do better every year, not worse, if that's any consolation.
Don't forget, the date night offer is still out there!
Any plans for the 4th? We'll be doing the parade/Wieber/fireworks thing. Hope to see you there!
It is good to have high expectations of people because they usually rise to the occasion when others believe in them. Honesty is such a wonderful thing, it allows people to not waste time on guessing. I still think you and DH should sit down and address what exactly each others expectations for the house/kids are, with open minds that your own expectations might be not realistic for now. Notice the for now part. Small children= challenges. By the way my husband and I go to couples counciling every two weeks. Come to craft night and just sit and chat if you are not into crafting. I'd love to get to know you better. Rachel would too, she's told me. :) Cherie
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