Three different family styles

My husband and I are in the unusual position of having tried three very different family styles during the last two years. We've been a traditional family, a two-income family, and a reverse-traditional family.

We first went to the "traditional" family three months before I gave birth to our twins. We didn't really have a choice. I was having trouble working due to painful side effects of the pregnancy, and had to quit. I stayed home until the girls were 8 months old. I can see why this has been a favorite family structure for so long. Breastfeeding was easier, and both my husband and I were well-supported in our new roles as SAHM (stay at home mother) and WOHF (work outside the home father). Our children and home got my full attention, and I knew that what I was doing was important and would change the world. I also enjoyed doing something so new (to me) and challenging. I loved staying home, and if DH had loved his job and made enough money I would probably still be staying home and just doing software work as a volunteer and for a hobby.

The killer disadvantage of the "traditional" family was that it wasn't economically feasible, for us. DH just didn't make enough at his job to cover health care, even with WIC helping to cut our grocery costs. We were still several hundred dollars short each month, and by the time I returned to work we were paying for groceries on our credit cards. DH also didn't enjoy his job, and didn't feel that it was particularly stable. So back to work I went.

Being a two-income, egalitarian family is nice in concept but difficult in execution. We had great, guilt-free childcare provided by my MIL three days a week, and DH worked four tens with Tuesday and Wednesday off - so he could take the girls two days a week. However, he worked late hours. Housework was still largely on my shoulders, although DH helped a lot with dinner and laundry. DH worked late, so four nights a week I put the girls to bed alone. Three days a week I did this after a busy day of work, not eating dinner until after 8:00 pm when they fell asleep, then stayed up until nearly 11:00 cooking, doing housework, showering, and getting ready for the next day.

The switch to a reverse-traditional family wasn't a new idea for us. We'd toyed with the idea of a stay-at-home dad since we were dating. At first the idea was just something thrown out, one of many possible futures together, barely glanced at before the conversation turned to something else. With me now being exhausted by trying to "do it all", we quickly picked the discussion up in earnest. Six months after starting the two-income routine, Bjorn quit - with envious encouragement from his coworkers (who were all laid off nine months later).

The hardest part of the reverse-trad family, for us, was figuring out where the lines were while Bjorn ramped up. I think people often don't realize how many skills housework and parenting take. Most of us who are (or have been) highly involved in homemaking built a large repetoire of skills over the course of our childhoods. Our mothers taught us their own skills. However, it seems like women get an unfair advantage in the homemaking department - and that was definitely true with Bjorn and me.

The result was a long ramp-up period for Bjorn. While he had very solid fathering skills, his homemaking-while-fathering skills hadn't really been honed. I, on the other hand, had very strong opinions about nutrition, cleanliness, and parenting. Letting go of the homemaking sphere is actually very difficult for me, and I still continue to do more homemaking and exert more control over the family sphere than a normal breadwinner.

That meant that I came home to a messy house and lots of work in the evenings still - but I wasn't on my own in the evenings anymore. Bjorn wasn't having his energy sapped by a job. Without the expenses of Bjorn working, we were even coming out a little ahead financially. Since he quit, we've been working on balancing homemaking work: He's been learning how to do more, I've been learning where I feel comfortable letting things go, and he's been learning to tell me when I'm being a busybody and need to back off and trust him. We still use a lot of temporary solutions, like the "honey-do" list (IM messages from me at work, now starting to become a two-way support system), but overall things are falling into place.

The other disadvantage of the reverse-trad family is subtler: Support is mixed. Some people supported us enthusiastically. Bjorn's coworkers saw him getting out of the rat-race, and cheered him. My coworkers saw me as a great example of a feminist, and seemed to appreciate that I would be staying in my career long-term. However, older people seem to be confused by a woman who "chooses" to work, and my more-traditional family ranges from supportive to one member who informed me that, as a woman, my job was inherently less stable than my husband's (this was before his entire team was notified that they would be laid off) - and also that I would never be able to bear being away from my children (to her credit, I sometimes have to remind myself that my paycheck is a form of parenting - I am providing food, shelter, clothing, and more to my kids when I am at work, so I am still mothering). However, this problem is fading as those who know us see things working and adjust, and as we become used to the slightly surprised or confused reactions (and even enjoy them a little).

The reverse-trad family isn't right for most families, but it also tends to be overlooked sometimes. In general, I think families that choose a smaller income and fewer hours at work don't get the acknowledgement that they deserve - nor do we recognize the skills, energy, and quality of life that homemakers and childcare providers give us. There's more to quality of life than a GDP, after all.