Year in review, and a guess at what is to come

Big events for each month of the last year - yep, that's right, I go a months without saying anything and then post a novella:

January: Got fired six days into the year. With this auspicious beginning, DH and I both start looking for work.

February: No one has found a job yet. Despite the financial stress and mounting credit card bills, the whole family seems to be generally doing better than 2008 (when we were dealing with many health issues and family struggles, and the girls were not getting the parental attention they needed).

March: Our credit card debt grows and our bank account empties completely. I find a year-long contract position and start March 15th. DH keeps watching the girls and looking for work. The UI check for all my UI payments for the last 2.5 months arrives one week after my first paycheck, just in time to pay for the mortgage for April.

April: Birthday celebrations for all! Grandparents are very generous to our daughters. There's also an anniversary in there, but as usual, no one makes a big fuss about it. DH keeps applying for jobs, and has it down to a fine art. He applies to 3 or 4 jobs a day when they are available, and does this in about 2 to 3 hours a day.

May: We have an unplanned pregnancy, as expected. The only surprise is that it took so long to happen. Although we are both quite worried about how we'll manage the birth in this economy, there is also a subtle resurgence of hope and motivation that our family sorely needed.

June: Stupid car keeps breaking down. I garden when I'm not working.

July: Not only does the stupid car keep breaking down, it's going to need a $2,400 repair in 6 months. We decide it's worth adding to our huge pile of debt to get a new car using Cash for Clunkers. We mitigate our embarressment over having a new car (and the accompanying debt) by getting the vehicle with the lowest Total Cost to Own that we can find, which turns out to be a Honda Fit and quite possibly the car we would have bought anyways if we'd had money. The girls promptly name "her" Bluea.

August: Outdoors projects! A new firepit, one fish pond turns into a sandbox, the garden grows and we eat lots of fresh snow peas. Blueberries come to adorn our front yard. DH starts getting rejection notices occasionally, and we both find this immensely encouraging and take it as a sign that the economy is improving.

September: I realize we're two weeks behind on our mortgage, and try budgeting with Mint.com, which is a really neat service. DH starts getting scheduled for phone interviews that then get cancelled because the job filled before anyone actually interviewed him. My sister gives us a free car that she'd located for us back when we were having car troubles.

October: It's a girl! I make a spreadsheet of all our expected income and predictable expenses through the end of the year, in addition to the budget at Mint.com. DH starts actually getting interviews in person and on the phone, rather than just scheduling and cancelling interviews. The girls have to use last year's Halloween costumes, but still have a great time trick-or-treating with the grandparents.

November: I start putting effort into stocking the freezer so we have food when the baby arrives. DH and I finally agree on a name for the baby. DH gets a job offer for a seasonal tax software support position, and accepts it. I get a holiday bonus for Thanksgiving. We come home from a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the step-family in-laws with butternut squash and an excellent bottle of home-made wine.

December: During a cold snap while we can't afford to heat the house, the shower drain freezes solid for about a week. The girls get excited about Christmas despite the lack of decor. I get extra hours at work plus holiday pay, but then lose some money when the family gets sick. We still have enough money to buy work clothes for DH and a few gifts and much needed things. We go to the San Juan Islands to visit the in-laws for Christmas, and a gloriously relaxing time is had by all. DH starts his job the last week of the year, and I start working from home on a schedule that is flexible enough that I can also care for the children. It's a little crazy, but works well enough.

And, looking forward to early 2010, here is what we expect to have happen:

January: DH continues to work while I care for the children and work from home. The baby is due January 22nd, which means 95% chance of being born between January 8th and February 5th. My family tends to run late, so bet on early February. I won't be taking maternity leave at all unless I absolutely physically must. The laptop comes to the hospital with me, and I could conceivably return to my work before I return to my home. DH will probably take a day or two of unpaid sick time to be with me until I leave the hospital.

February: DH could lose his job this month, but I'm guessing he won't. So this month will probably be him working full-time in the office and doing all the housework and cooking (he'll have a good freezer stash to work with) while I work full-time from home and care for the children - including the baby, who will essentially live on the nursing pillow while I work. I suspect I'm going to need some help, especially immediately after the birth.

March: DH could lose his job this month, and it's actually pretty likely that he will. I will definitely lose my job this month, as my contract ends March 15th. I'm supposed to be in the office to train my replacement from March 1st to March 15th. If DH is still working, we will need childcare during that time. I have no idea who or how that will work. Once the contract ends, I will get UI. We shouls also have a $1,000 emergency fund and may have some additional savings. There is a small chance that our mortgage payment might be reduced by $1,000 a month permanently starting about now if our application last October for a Home Mortgage Loan Modification finally goes through, but we aren't counting on it.

April: If DH hasn't lost his job yet, it will end by the 15th of this month. If he does get this far without being laid off, he might get UI. It won't be much, but every little bit helps. Either way, he's going to be looking for any work he can get to keep us from going broke, so I can focus on getting the best job I can. I don't want to end my "UI-paid maternity leave" for anything less than enough to cover our expenses and get us out of debt pretty quickly, too.

May: Our emergency fund and my UI will keep us in the black through this month even if DH's job ends back in March or earlier and even if we put all his income to paying off our credit cards. However, we'll need some additional income between March 15th and the end of May to make it through June in the black. We are pretty optimistic about being able to manage this.

Looking beyond May gets pretty hazy . . . things could end up being really messy financially, in the worst case, which could result in rough times for the whole family. Things could end up being really great, in the best case. So much depends on us finding jobs, and maybe even finding good jobs, and we only have so much control over that. However, I can say that baby Audrey will probably say her first word in 2010, and might even take her first steps near the end of the year. The twins will continue to grow up, and by December they will be 4 years 9 months old. We'll need to start deciding if we will put them into a public school kindergarten in September of 2011 or not. And, of course, we'll be in God's hands no matter what happens, and we will have each other (barring tragedy). There are some things that just don't depend on finances, and I would be a fool not to consider them worth mentioning.

Talking with the kids about birth

Iliana has asked a number of times about whether or not the baby has toys in my womb. I've explained to her that the baby doesn't yet know how to play with toys, and right now she just plays by kicking and moving her body. Of course, Iliana thinks this is sad and wants to get some toys in my womb for the baby to play with.

Both girls have been very curious about the idea of birth. I've been giving them all the information I can as they ask for it, and that seems to be working pretty well. I'm rather surprised by how they seem to handle the most explicit and even gory details just fine. Iliana was surprised to learn that there was a hole there for a baby to come out of. Lenora wanted to know about their birth as well, which was a C-section, and handled the cheerful, frank, and explicit three-sentence summary I gave her just fine - even the bit about the doctors cutting into my womb. She just listened and said, "Oh!" and then went back to playing. Who knows how much she actually retained?

Now I'm just waiting until we're waiting in line at the supermarket and they start explaining what they've learned to some hapless person who just happens to be standing next to us.

OAMC tricks

I do occasional once-a-month-cooking days still, but I've started to work out a few tricks to make it a bit easier lately.

The biggest trick I've figured out is that you save a lot of time by not cooking specifically for just the next month. Instead, you cook a lot of similar meals, but you are cooking 1/3rd of the meals you will eat for the next 3 months. Cooking similar meals is a major timesaver, cuts down on the number of ingredients and prep-steps you need to do, and most meals that can be frozen for a month won't have any issues if they are in a deep freezer for another two months.

So far, I've figured out a few groupings of meals that work well for my family and have similar preperation steps: Bean soups and chilis, pizzas, marinades and meats, stir fries, and pasta sauces.

At this point, I've done this style of once-a-month cooking with bean soups and chilis, and with pizzas. I got a lot more done in the same amount of time. Now I'm trying to decide what I want to do for next week. I'm leaning towards marinades, but meat is expensive and our budget is tight right now. I do have a lot of fish already in the freezer, so maybe prepping marinades and marinating the fish and seafood this week, then buy and marinate some beef and chicken next week? Stir-fry could be fun instead, but pasta sauces would probably be really easy and something lighter sounds good right now.

Maybe I'll just reorganize the freezer so it's easier to get to what we already have. That might be more useful in the long run.

My long-term dream is to eventually be able to do this with friends, as a potluck-style party. Something like, have everyone bring 10 cups of pre-soaked beans and one other item off of a list of ingredients, and then enjoy making bean soups together with what everyone brings. Or "bring your own crusts and some toppings" and make pizzas together.

Kids say the cutest things

I got a few good quotes from the girls recently.

A few weeks back, Lenora offered me some of her food. I thanked her, and she told me that she was feeding the baby!

Lenora is so ready to help nurture and care for her baby sister. Iliana seems to be more ready for a playmate, so I suspect she won't show more than curiousity until the baby gets more active and can interact a bit more. Lenora wanted a baby sister, and Iliana wanted a baby brother. I suspect Iliana has noticed that younger boys tend to be more active than younger girls, and therefore more interesting (to her mindset). Lenora wants something to cuddle and love, so "more active" isn't a good thing to her. Judging by the kicking, this child might be more like Iliana than Lenora. Then again, it might just be that this little girl has more room to move around.

Other cutisms:
When I got home from work on Monday, Iliana ran up to me saying, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Then she got to me and asked, "Did you buy anything?" I think she wasn't asking for presents, so much as she was realizing that when I come home before their bedtime, I've usually bought groceries. But it was still funny!

At bedtime, Lenora was talking to herself a lot - then suddenly out of nowhere she looks a little concerned and says, "But Mommy, if you keep getting bigger, then maybe you might not be able to fit in the house." I reassured her that the baby would be born and would finish growing outside of me, just like them, and I would go back to my normal size. She didn't seem convinced - I think she then said, "But you might not . . ."

Jobs - wouldn't it be great?

It's no secret I want to work less and stay home more. DH likes this idea too, except for the reality that we haven't yet figured out a realistic way to afford it.

I'm wondering more and more if we could possibly pull off something clever with contract work long-term, so that I spend 6 months at home and DH spends 3 months at home each year, with 3 months where we both work and the children are in care - sort of a reverse-summer-break.

This would actually work as a two-year cycle to maximize the time DH and I can spend at each job. In other words, DH would work for 18 months straight and I would work for 1 year straight, with three months of overlap at each end.

A plan like this has a number of hang-ups, and I've already thought of probably 90% of them and come up with decent solutions for most that I've thought of, with ease. However, there is one thing that absolutely must be in place before we deliberately attempt this, something that I am less sure how to handle:

Debt-free with three to six months expenses in the bank.

This is where this plan gets tough. A plan like the one I described has significant financial risk every three to six months, and we MUST have some buffer space! To get this, DH and I will need to work simultaneously for roughly two years netting $20K per year above our non-debt expenses before we can even start (obviously, we're not including mortgage debt here!). There are other ideas, but none that we can count on (e.g., start a business netting $20 to 30 K a year; have one of us work nights consistently; and so on). Even having us both work has a number of variables we can't control, like that DH has been looking for work for 8 months with no luck already and that childcare could eat through his income if hours don't work out.

Could we handle it? Is it worth it to put our kids in childcare for two years? Is there another way to get these $$?

First step on "being the change" has been taken.

I just threw a post up on a Catholic forum asking other employed mothers if they wanted something like the support for SAHMs from a Catholic perspective. If I get good responses, I'll probably post around in a few other places to see if the good response is consistent. I threw it up about ten minutes ago, and already have about three replies, so that's a good sign :)

If there is enough interest, I'll probably kick off a blog on the topic as a low-commitment way to gauge further the interest in such a project, to gauge my own ability to commit to such a project on top of everything else (very important to know!), to practice writing on the topic, to build community, and to start storing up a collection of links, articles, and research that maybe could later go into a book on the subject.

Baby!

Okay, I haven't gotten around to blogging about our new family member yet, and the first trimester is already almost over! Our baby's birth is expected in early February. The due date is January 22nd, but my family has a "tradition" of staying pregnant until at least 42 weeks, when they are induced or schedule a surgery.

Unfortunately, the Evergreen midwives (whom I received prenatal care from with my twins, until the cord was discovered to be presenting and I needed a C-section) are not an option for the birth. I will be attempting a VBAC, and the Evergreen midwives have a policy of scheduling a C-section for 41 weeks if you don't go into labor first as a VBAC. There's no good medical reason - they do it to avoid liability risks.

I'm trying to transfer my care to Dr. Dana Blackham, who really impressed me during our meet-and-greet with his transparency, knowledge, and interest in my input. Plus, his "late baby VBAC policy" allows for going to 43 weeks or even slightly later with regular ultrasounds and stress tests after 42 weeks (to detect post-maturity syndrome, I presume). Since a late baby is normal in my family, this was a good sign. He also didn't freak out about the idea of a VBAC with a 9-pound baby - and large babies are another family tradition, large even for late babies by a good half pound.

I also need to find a doula, which I haven't yet put much work into. I'd like to find someone who can not only support me & DH in the normal ways, by suggesting ways to cope with labor, but who can also support my faith. I want very much for my birth to be a chance for spiritual growth rather than just a situation to be endured. I don't know how realistic that is, having never been in labor, and I might be naive about being able to gain strength from prayer while, say, going through the transition phase - but I also know that when I get a strong "gut feeling" like this, it's usually worth checking out and putting some effort into. I don't object at all to people laughing at me if I throw the Rosary beads at the doula and beg for an epidural when push comes to shove . . . so to speak.

The girls are excited about the baby, although I think the idea is still a bit abstract for them. They know the baby will be here about one month after Christmas, so they get that there is a wait involved. We'll probably make a "baby advent calendar" from Christmas until a few weeks after the due date, to help them understand the timeline.

DH is also starting to show some signs of excitement, which is a big step. This baby wasn't exactly a surprise, but wasn't exactly planned either. I've been wanting to get pregnant again for about a year and a half, so I had few problems adjusting when our lazy attempts at avoiding pregnancy "failed". DH is in a different position, though. I will say that we both relaxed a lot once we learned that there was only one baby to prepare for, as twins would have devastating implications for our budget. It's not that babies are expensive (they aren't), but twin pregnancy and birth would highly impact my ability to earn an income. Our expenses can't go much lower than they are, since we are upside-down on our mortgage and can't sell the house. We could trim off maybe another $30 a month if we invested several hours a week, but at that point we're better off making sure I stay healthy and don't miss work with that time. It's just a better investment to keep me from missing a day and losing $200+ in income.

I need to write another post about car-buying, and another post about the cool home-improvement stuff I've been up to this last weekend, plus should also tell about our wonderful 4th of July - which, to me, really seemed like something out of a storybook, the stuff nostalgia is made of.

Honestly, the financial stress and what-ifs have been a constant annoyance - but overall, I really feel like my life since getting fired from MS has been quite blessed. It's not exactly because I was fired, although getting rid of the bad history at that job and getting lots of time with my children (who desperately needed an attentive parent by that point) really did help everyone get their feet back on the ground.

Pregnancy has also been a great blessing. I really don't take good enough care of myself normally, whether because I'm busy and too much depends on me, or I'm trying to save money, or whatever. Pregnancy forces me to give greater weight to my own health, both because of the increased frailty of my health and because the baby's health is dependent upon my own. The net result is better work-life balance, and I actually get more done than usual at home and work, while still being fairly available to the kids. A lot of this is because I lean more on DH, and find that DH is also strengthened by the challenge of providing for this baby so that he is more available than normal. He was an amazing father during and after my first pregnancy, and I can see him finding his way back into that role again during this pregnancy.

DH passed his Network+!

Yes!!!! DH passed his Network+ certfication exam. Now he has something fresh to put on his resume, and can turn his attention to finding work!

Once he recovers from the weekend, that is: We spent the whole weekend watching my sister's kids, first at our house and then at theirs. Three three-year-olds and an eight-year-old (who was very helpful, except that she was sick for part of the weekend).

It was fun. For me. DH really prefers the quiet life, and who can blame him?

Appreciate your breadwinner

Every day that a breadwinner leaves their house, they also leave the belongings that matter most to them in the world - their children and their home - in the hands of their spouse. If you are a SAHP, take a few minutes here to savor the faith and trust that your beloved places in you every workday. It is a daily gesture of respect and honor to you.

Recently, a friend linked this post on how SAHMs are heroes. It is very true, yet for me as a woman, I've heard most of it all before. Except one part.

"I’m always hearing wives refer to their husbands as Heroes. Hero this and Hero that. In particular you hear it when they talk about their husbands going off to work to provide for the families."

This brought tears to my eyes, to realize that there are SAHPs who value their breadwinners so highly. To know that some SAHMs realize how hard it is to walk out that door every morning and put the family behind you as if they weren't the thing you love most in the world, for eight hours every single day - that is very precious, indeed. This may sound strange to you, but I have never heard this sentiment before - that a breadwinner is a hero. I have always heard about how wonderful SAHPs are, how much they do for so little recognition - and I have no doubt that, for most people, this is the society they live in.

But it's not the world I live in. And so, for me, it was a small tragedy when I read the next line, even understanding where it was coming from: "But it’s really bunk. Mothers are the real Heroes."

Of course, the author is, himself, a breadwinner. He probably feels confident that his work is important and necessary for his family. He blithely states later that men like going to work, and that is often true in a sense (for men and women) - yet I suspect that even parents who love their jobs would normally rather do them for, say, just ten hours a week. The other thirty hours or so, we'd rather be home with our families. Daily employment is a sacrifice, for any parent who has their priorities straight. Sardonic Catholic Dad, the author, does have his priorities straight BTW - he was just playing down his role, to lift up and glorify his wife. But his wife is also correct - he is a Hero, too.

Sardonic Catholic Dad is right to tell mothers and SAHPs "don’t feel to sorry for us or put us up on a pedestal". However, the truth is that being a parent requires hard work and sacrifice, regardless of what your role is in the family. Regardless of whether you stay home or work for pay, your spouse is a hero. Love him, honor him, and do something special for him (or her).

Happy Birthday, girls!

Today is Iliana's and Lenora's 3rd birthday. Happy birthday, girls! Unfortunately, we didn't get them anything - no one has energy for it. They will get presents from other family, though. I'm trying to organize a party for Sunday evening, but it's hard to cram it into the chinks of my work schedule.

And tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. I would love to do something nice for DH, but I won't. I just don't have the energy. And I have no idea what he would want, either.

Squeezin' the budget

Here is where I post our financial details. In public. Because I have no shame, and very few people I know read this anyways :-) I wrote this post in parallel with the last, so you might want to read that one first.

Our expenses are:

• food & groceries
  
• phones
  
• Internet
  
• Water/sewer
  
• Electricity
  
• Gas (PSE)
  
• Garbage
  
• Mortgage
  
• debt
  
• car insurance
  
• gas
  
• car maintenance
  
• health insurance
  
• taxes
  
• charity

Category-by-category, here is how we can trim:

• Groceries: I'm in charge of shopping and pre-prepping dinners. Our current strategy is to only buy at Cash 'n' Carry, excepting milk (which we need to buy a little more often), hygiene, and pet care stuff (the last two aren't at Cash 'N' Carry). Since we're planning on retiring the car for a bit (see below), we'll shop there about once a month with a shopping buddy (probably my MIL, as this will be mutually beneficial) who can help us out with a car - in return for help scouring ads or a frozen meal. I'm pretty good at combining low-$$ with high-nutrition, and handy enough with spices and sauces that things still taste good - so we will be going pretty cheap. I can't say how much this will save us - I have $400 budgeted for groceries (including personal hygiene & pet stuff) at the moment and that's been pretty accurate in the past, but it will take time to figure out how much lower this gets us. Savings: Unknown, hopefully $100 / month. Schedule: Already started.
  
  When we have a bit more time, we can night-potty-train the girls so we can quit buying diapers. They are pretty much ready, but we the parents need to be prepared to get them up in the middle of the night to go potty until the girls are prepared to handle that on their own. And handle the inevitable accidents that will happen until they can remember upon waking that they are no longer wearing diapers and need to go to the potty. Savings: $20 to $40 / month. Schedule: Need to discuss with DH; hopefully 1 month, April 17th
  
  
• Phones: We have two phones right now - a VoIP land line, and a cell phone. The VoIP line is just over $30 a month. THANK HEAVENS we were smart, and did a Pay-As-You-Go cell phone plan! Saving money on our phone bills was as simple as stopping automatic payments for it - no contract!!! In fact, we like it so much that we may switch to two pay-as-you-go cells and no land line. First, we need to figure out how much a cheap cell phone for me will cost. Then, we need to estimate how many minutes per month we use our landline for to be reasonably sure we'll actually pay less (Pay-as-you-go doesn't have free minutes) and guesstimate how long it will take to recoup the costs of the new phone. Finally, we can then continue to reduce our phone costs by reducing our minutes - by using alternate communication methods, like a public blog for friends and family (my family doesn't know about this blog, or I wouldn't post so much personal info . . . funny, huh?). Savings: Guessing $10 to $20 / month, after recouping costs of new cheap cell. Schedule: Start the process in one week - March 30th. Be done with it in two more weeks - April 13th, in time to go car-free.
  
  
• Internet: We may be able to switch to DSL with Verizon. We need to see if they have service in our area, and what the costs of quitting Comcast and starting with Verizon are. We might be able to negotiate on start-up fees or use a lower-cost option to negotiate with Comcast. Savings: $20 to $30 / month. Schedule: Start looking into this with the phones, and be done on the same timeline (March 30th to April 1st).
  
  
• Water / sewer: Water-saving will take a lot of effort and habit-building for us, as we are not extravagent users. It would take a lot of discipline to save $10. This isn't something we worry about until later. I think sewer is a flat fee, so no thoughts there. When we do get to water, some things to look at: Rain barrels, for yard care water. Washing dishes by filling up the sick. We could probably cut down water in the girls' baths, but not for DH and me - we're already pretty low-water for self-cleaning.
  
  
• Electricity has some of the same problems as water: It requires habit-building. This is slightly higher-priority than water, as there is more we could do with less effort: Turn off computers and monitors each night. Maybe do an inspection of our lightbulbs and see if we could switch to lower-energy bulbs. Get a night-light for the cats instead of leaving the garage light on all night (they weren't using the litter boxes when it was too dark in there, and the motion detectors don't pick them up).
  
  
• Gas (for heating & cooking): We've done most of what we can easily do here. The house gets heated to 70 degrees at 6 AM for people to wake up. It gets heated to 65 degrees or so at 7 PM for baths and bedtime. The rest of the time, it's allowed to cool down to . . . I think 50 degrees. Maybe 55. We could adjust by 5 degrees here or there, and may be able to use space heating - but this is lower-priority, between electricity and water. We're not gong to try and reduce cooking gas.
  
  
• Garbage: Someone mentioned being able to change size of containers and pickup frequency. Not sure if this is available to us. It's worth looking into once we've handled everything else not low-priority on this list as it is very simple. Savings: $5/month. Schedule: 5 weeks to start - April 27th. One more week to conclude - May 4th.
  
  
• Mortgage: We might benefit from some of the new programs being rolled out. A superficial check with our mortgage holder said that we will probably be eligible for both of the programs they are offering (but might need to pick one). I'm not counting on this, but it's helpful to keep in mind. It might also allow us to sell our house (probably upside-down on the mortgage due to dropping real estate values and no-down-payment mortgage right now), although DH and I have only considered that option in passing. I think DH would rather keep this house, and not sure if he is willing to give it up so that we can live off of his income when he returns to work. Obviously, we're making this pretty high-priority right now! Savings: Up to $650 (current mortgage - 38% of our income) under one plan, and not sure about the other. Schedule: ASAP, as fast as Countrywide or Bank of America (whoever owns the mortgage right then) will allow.
  
  
• Debt: Yeah, yeah, we know how to reduce this already. Dave Ramnsey, debt snowball, yadda yadda. Been there, done that, ready to do it again. We're starting with minimum payments on non-mortgage debt of around $200 ($40 for college, $160 for credit cards), and that will be going down to $0 as we pay off debt with all the money we're saving with all these changes we are making. Savings: Up to $200 in minimum fees, plus something like $150 / month in APR being added to our total. Schedule: ASAP, after 1 month's expenses and $1K savings in bank
  
  
• Vehicle costs (insurance, driving gas, maintenance): If we go "car free" (quit paying insurance and quit driving, leaving the car in the driveway and using it as outside storage) we can get rid of insurance, gasoline, and maintenance. Yes, we know what we are looking at in terms of effort; we've done this before. We have a P&R about 1 mile from our house, so we can still take trips into the world for the cost of bus fare. I'll have to research commuter / reduced car use incentives that may apply - we might be eligible for free bus passes, etc. The biggest change will be giving up Rosary Group, but I even have a plan for handling that (I am crafty!). I will probably send out an email later this week. Savings: $100 to $300. Schedule: In 3 weeks - April 13th - to give time for my new commute to settle down.
  
  
• Health insurance: We will be only insuring me with my employer; DH and the girls will instead join a larger-deductible individual plan that we found online. The girls may qualify for cheaper state insurance, but that will take a couple of months to get working - if so, we can change their and DH's insurance plans (without waiting for an enrollment period, or having coverage gaps!) and save about another $40 a month. Seriously, I had no idea individual insurance like this was out there. eHealthInsurance - if you want to check it out. Savings: $168 / month. Schedule: DH and the girls have already applied, and should be insured April 1st. I need to get my application in by tomorrow, and should be insured April 1st.
  
  
• Taxes: Right now I'm having an extra $15 a week withheld to cover taxes from my unemployment. But we should probably drop that, and focus on our current expenses. We're likely to be getting a small refund anyways, so paying extra probably doesn't make sense. I think I've taken all the deductions I can on my W-4, so that will help. And yes, we've already received this year's income tax refund.Savings: Well, not technically savings, but $15 / month right now instead of either a refund or payment at next year's tax time. Schedule: Ugh, should give this time to avoid paperwork snafu's. Let's say, 7weeks: May 11th
  
  
• Charity: This is new to our budget (because we are selfish, selfish people *shame*), but something we need to start planning for (and, to be honest, I promised God we'd do this once I got a job . . . before looking at our budget). Under these circumstances, understand that I am *not* mentioning this to brag, LOL. Rather, I'm putting it up here so that I will feel committed to it and will see it as part of our monthly "expenses". Since we are out of "treasure" right now, we will be donating time and talent - time will be proportional to my working hours. We are creating a schedule for this right now. I has me some fun ideas about how to "spend" this *grin*. Not sure if DH is willing to help with this beyond the support role, but he could also "spend" some of this time on a charitable cause he wishes to support. Savings: $0 (new to our budget). Schedule: Start immediately with planning, try to get in our "donation" of time for this week by EOD Saturday.

Anyways, these changes should help us move from a budget where expenses slightly exceed income to something that will allow us to pay off a couple hundred dollars of debt or more each month. If anyone sees something we missed that could save us money, please leave a comment!

As for clothing, gifts, etc. - not in the budget. Freecycle, trades, begging from friends, and other free methods only! Home repairs are a potential biggie not in the budget, and I know this. We'll be keeping one month's expenses plus $1K in our bank accounts once we build it up, but anything bigger will have to be handled with yet another loan. The best way to be secure against major repairs is probably to keep doing what we are doing, get rid of debt, and try to get 3 to 6 months' savings stored up. Health co-pays and other health costs fall into the same area. We might want to put bus passes or bus fare in the budget - need to examine this more, though, as we might just walk and bike everywhere if it's too expensive to bus. I'm not sure if we missed anything else that should be here. let me know if you see something!

One more section: Goals. These are all temporary, and will be modified as our situation changes (our long-term goals are still in flux, as DH may or may not become the sole income). But here is the current draft:

1) Save 1 month's expenses.
2) Save $1K emergency fund.
3) Pay off credit card No. 1.
4) Pay off credit card No. 2.
5) Pay off student loan.
6) Re-work budget - add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts (like maybe the car).
7) Save up month 2 & 3's expenses in savings.
8) Rework budget. Add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts (maybe increase groceries to include special treats).
9) Save up month 4 through 6's expenses in 3-month CD's.
10) Rework budget. Add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts.
11) Start retirement savings.
12) Start "life plans" savings for pre-retirement funds - children's college supplementary funds ('cuz I don't want to fully "pay their way") and "lose the day-job / start a home business" funds.

I like the idea of scheduling in the points where we can modify our budget - of course, major life changes would also get a modification. But this way it's like enrolling in health insurance: We've signed up, and we can only change things at the pre-determined times or something big changing our circumstances. Of course, DH still hasn't signed off on everything - so it's not 100% locked in yet.

Oopsie . . . haven't posted for a while.

I still haven't posted that I'm working again, and I'm already on Day 4 on the job! Well, here's what I've been doing since I found out - on Monday, 3/9/09, so less than 2 weeks ago - that I had a job:

• Bought $400 worth of groceries, and spent most of 2 days making 20 pizzas and about a dozen other frozen meals so DH doesn't have to "cook" and can focus on childcare and studying for his Network+ certification (he's also responsible for dishes & laundry since those really need daily maintenance, at least unless we get more organized). We think we'll just have to buy milk for about the next 6 weeks.
  
  
• Had our car break down again - a coolent leak caused the serpentine to slip. Leak has been fixed, belt replaced. On credit. Le sigh.
  
  
• Worked out a budget. We're scraping by right now on my new income (as in, whether or not we have savings will depend on how much I lose in taxes up front . . . expenses may exceed income! Eep!) and have over $7K in credit card debt. Yes, I'm posting our financial details online. That debt is mitigated by almost $5K expected in unemployment backpay (expected about March 30th), so not as dire as it sounds.
  
  
• Working out how to trim the budget. This deserves its own post, and will get it. In fact, I've already written the post. And it's LONG.
  
  
• Figuring out a "homeschooling" plan. We ended up buying a curriculum that comes with a schedule. Yes, I know. We can't afford it - but I don't think we can afford not to, either. DH was struggling to spend time with the kids (mostly due to lack of ideas and time organization) before. Now, he is also studying for a certification. Since the option is available, he needs and deserves to be handed a schedule, so that he can just do what he needs to do and can focus on his studies and caring for our children, instead of spending time and stress on "home management" stuff like planning the girl's day. And I just don't have time to plan for him right now. Much easier to "homeschool" that time.
  
  
• Ignoring my homeschooling blog. That is going on total hiatus for about a month, then coming part-way up for two weeks before getting all the way up again. I still want to see if I can make any money with it (plus I love the community). If I can make *any* money with a homeschooling blog, that bodes well for more income-oriented blogs that would be more time-consuming and maybe require buying some materials or equipment.
  
  
• Creating a schedule for (and with) DH both to try and find a workable structure for his day, and to determine if watching the kids, studying for his certification, and doing some housework was reasonable, timewise (it is - childcare and housework should leave 5 1/2 hours for study and time to himself). Along with this is dividing up household responsibilities, so we can both get into a schedule and hopefully get onto autopilot.
  
  
• Mostly DH did this, actually, but we worked on getting the laundry closer to caught-up. We didn't succeed in totally catching up, but DH has *voluntarily* continued to organize, fold, and put away clothing since I've started work. Very inspiring, for me!

I think that covers it. Either way, back to work. Lunch breaks are not eternal.

I need to stop disappearing

Just a quick update on our family.

The main reason that there haven't been many posts is that I've been sick ever since the last time I posted - first with a cold, and then with what seemed likely to have been bronchitis. Between getting healthy and looking for work, I've been out of energy long before I ever get to posting on this blog.

However, I have started on another blog, called "Homeschool Bright and Early". Very simply, it's about homeschooling toddlers and preschool-aged children. So far I'm just getting started, but I'm building up posts and ideas very quickly, and am very excited about it.

Part of the motivation is to share an important part of my life (the raising and education of my children), and the information I learn while trying to do that, with others. However, I have another, ulterior, motive: See if I have what it takes to build up a good blog and maybe even make a little money off of it. I hear rumors of a few bloggers making significant amounts of cash, and am wondering if I could do it. Yes, I recognize that this isn't the most lucrative subject matter - but it's economical with my time, since I would be doing the research I do for the blog anyways for our own family (but perhaps not in quite so much depth). Plus . . . it's something I care about.

Meanwhile, DH and I are looking for work, making several job contacts a day each. We're learning that, unlike previous job searches, the phone might be our best friend in this economy. I've had two recruiters express thankfulness that I called them to get their attention just today alone. We both hate talking on the phone, especially to strangers, so . . . yuck.

Today was the kickoff for 40 Days for Life. Last time I was pretty much invisible, praying and offering a very small fast and only giving an hour of my time in vigil outside of the local Planned Parenthood. This time, I plan to be much more involved. At least until I get a job.

Now that I'm starting to feel healthier, I'm also starting to remember how to get myself to accomplish more on, say, my job search: Hold myself to higher standards across the board and keep busy. If I don't take on enough activities, I will do worse at the few I do take on. I don't get it either, I seem to be weird this way, but pouring effort into one area of my life seems to have a synergistic effect on every other area I want to pour effort into. Of course, there is a saturation point, and if I cross that line things do go downhill a little - but I'm generally better off taking on too much rather than too little (when I am healthy - which I currently am).

So, I currently have a job search, 40 DfL, a homeschooling blog, mothering my children, and . . . Lent. I like to write down my Lenten commitments so I know what I'm holding myself to, so here they are:
1) A rosary a day for 54 days starting on Monday (two days ago) and ending on Divine Mercy Sunday (or maybe the day before .. . I forget) offered for the conversion of my beloved husband. Yes, he knows about this. It's become a tradition :-)
2) Participation in 40 DfL
3) Giving up leaven (yeast, baking powder, baking soda) and products made with leaven (leavened breads, etc.).

There is the possibility of a 4th commitment, but only if my friends decide to give it a try with me. Rikki-san, that's the idea you came up with during the homeschooling meeting BTW. If you and / or Annaberri are doing that, let me know so I can join in!

I still feel like this isn't really quite enough for me, so I'm also going to be starting a garden next week, helping DH build closet bunk beds for the girls probably the week after, and possibly rejoining the choir. And I'm also seeking out volunteer opportunities for my technical skills.

The biggest problem with my job search so far has been a lack of energy, I suspect. Hopefully getting more active will help a lot with that. Of course, finally getting over bronchitis should help as well.

You know how you can tell this was a quick post? It's very long and wordy. My short posts are the ones where I've heavily edited myself and polished my words. The long ones are the equivalent of frenetic scribbling, jotting, and brainstorming and take very little time to produce. If you visit my homeschooling blog, you'll notice the posts tend to be a lot shorter.

I've been fired

Yep, fired. Tuesday morning. I haven't gotten around to blogging since then. I need to hurry with this post - lots of work to do.

Tuesday was spent mostly reacting. I was okay for about four hours, which I spent thinking out the first couple of steps and working out our new 'normal' schedule: DH takes the kids out in the morning, and I work until around lunch. The kids come back, we eat, they take their nap. DH and I both work on finding jobs. Then I take the kids out when they wake up and he keeps working until we get back, dinner, and kids to bed.

Then I started getting weepy, and decided I could get started on the work 'tomorrow'. The rest of the day was spent trying not to let things spill over to the kids too much (who were definitely reacting to the stress), watching movies as a family, and calling a couple relatives to tell them.

Our planned schedule didn't work on Wednesday; we'd brought one of the kids' carseats in after she'd vomited, and after we'd cleaned the cover a cat peed on it. Bjorn spent the rest of the morning putting the cover through the wash and getting a special spray to dry while keeping the girls out of my hair.

This blog is going to get really boring for a while. I'm going to use it to measure my progress and keep on track, using the SCRUM questions: What have I done? What am I going to do today? What is blocking me?

So, for the first SCRUM entry:

What have I done:
- I called around about getting health coverage; I need to wait until the last 30 days show our lost income, and then apply to Apple Health, a website that should be able to work out all of the things that we will qualify for on our 'new' income.
- I also applied for unemployment.
- I found a career fair in Seattle in late January, and it's on our calendar.
- I found a couple of potential child-care resources so that Bjorn and I can both be looking for work at the same time on some days; we will be scheduling child-care swaps with some, others are family and glad to help.

What I am going to do today:
- Compile a list of job sites to search so I can keep notes on how effective they are
- Compile a list of possible opportunities to apply for - at least 15 options
- Apply to one opportunity with a polished resume and cover letter
- Apply to at least three opportunities with a quick-and-dirty application
- Start a list of opportunities for Bjorn, since I will probably also find things that he could do.

Blockers:
Nothing, really, except maybe lack of time if the kids come back too soon or don't nap well

I think Friday will be my "Fun work" day, when I focus on networking, reorganizing, brainstorming, maybe getting books from the library, and quick chores like cancelling appointments.

If anyone wants to help:
- If you know us - swap child-care with us. Best times for us to receive child-care are mornings. We will need to drop our kids at your house so we can work effectively. Best times for us to offer child-care is in the evenings. If you've been looking for a date night without babysitter costs, here is your chance. We can either have one of us come over to your house to babysit, or you can drop the kids off here.
- Pray for us. DH and I are both looking for work, so keep us both in your prayers.
- I'll get my resume up on the blog - probably tomorrow - and ask DH to let me post his as well. Let us know if you hear about anything that we might be able to do. I can do entry-level programming or software testing with about three years of experience; DH is looking for phone tech support positions primarily.
- Introduce us to people who work in our areas, if you know anyone, so that we can expand our networks.

Merry Christmas!

We had a wonderful beginning for our Christmas season. We went to the 8:30 PM Christmas Vigil at Immaculate Conception. We were planning on going to the 7:00 PM mass at St. Mary Magdalene, but then weren't sure if it started at 6:30 or 7:00 and their website didn't have the information posted. Since Immaculate Conception did post their schedule, we went there.

The girls behaved amazingly well for 8:30 PM. Lenora did talk an awful lot and she has a very rich voice for a toddler, which carries nicely - except during Mass, when a more easily lost voice would be nicer. There were some amusing conversations with DH whispering "Hush, it's time to listen," and her saying, "No! Stop talking. You need to be quiet," in a voice just a little quieter than her normal speaking voice. Otherwise, I found myself able to participate in the Mass more than usual. I don't know if I'm finally adjusting to Mass with two toddlers or if two toddlers are finally adjusting to Mass with me, but lately I've actually found myself hearing most of the reading and a good portion of the homily.

On Christmas Eve, the girls went to bed around 11:00 PM - very late! Then DH and I stayed up until 3:00 AM putting together their new kitchenette, adding the red decorations to the Chrismas tree, baking cinnamon-creamcheese swirl bread (that I, sadly, undercooked but was still yummy) and stuffing stockings. Note to self: Stop procrastinating on quitting your procrastination habit.

The girls slept in until 9:15 the next morning, which we were duly (and dully) grateful for. For breakfast, they had a slice of cinnamon swirl bread plus the contents of their stockings - an orange, and lots of candy (plus some stuffed toys). We had covered their kitchenette with a blanket, so it went undiscovered - until just as the Becas (made-up word for one set of grandparents) walked in, where they found an excited Iliana who had just pulled the blanket off of her toy kitchen. They couldn't figure out why she was so excited, since they didn't realize that she had just discovered it! The girls loved their new toy, played with it for about 30 minutes straight, and wandered back to play some more throughout the day.

We talked with the Becas, the girls opened a few more presents, we ate lunch and pie. We discussed how happy we were that, if nothing else, the recession has diminished the pressure to buy gifts this year. We are all introverts (except probably Iliana), and gift-giving and receiving is often more stressful than enjoyable for us. There are so many customs and expectations piled on Christmas gifts; while it's sad that people are tight on money, I'm glad to see the outrageous pressure being reduced a little and the focus returning to the spirit of the season and love of Christ.

This Christmas season was very educational for us. We didn't quite have the Christmas we hoped for, but I'm not sure it was achievable this year anyways. We could have had the decorations, everything done "proper", and two stressed-out parents, or we could have had the laid-back celebration that we did have. I think we chose the better part of the holiday, mostly, but now I have a much clearer picture of what I want this holiday to be for our family.

The question now, for me, is how to celebrate Lent and Easter richly. I don't want it to feel half-hearted at all. But that is a rambling musing that belongs to a different post.

Labor-saving snow!

There's a tree in our yard that I had been mildly thinking about removing, since it blocks sun in what could otherwise be a nice place to expand my garden. However, removing a tree is a lot of work, so I didn't worry about it too much.

The tree has been taken out by the snow. It's a fairly small tree, only about six feet tall or so, and well away from the house. The only thing it hit was another tree, which it is currently propped against. It's the Leaning Tree of Pisa!

And our cat is eating our kindling. We finally got around to trying out our fireplace, and we're loving it.

It's snowing again, too.

I love having this house when it snows. It's so warm (especially since we realized the flue in the ireplace was open since we moved in), and looks gorgeous in this weather.

We need to revise our Christmas plans now. We were going to head up to San Juan Island and visit DH's parents (his dad and dad's wife), but there's a bit too much snow for that. Now we're trying to see if the girl's grandparents (DH's mom and her SO) will come to visit in the morning, to watch the girls open presents. Well, there may not be much "opening" - I'm not sure that I can find the wrapping paper, and a couple of the gifts are too big to wrap. Since I only got them "several" gifts total, that doesn't leave a whole lot else! I think the girls will enjoy large, shared gifts best this year. They'll get more individual gifts as they grow up and their interests diverge. I think we avoided overdoing it this year, which is great.

My poor rose . . . there was one last rose left on my bushes, and it's now been quite thoroughly frozen. I suspect a number of my plants will be gone once this thaws. And we'd better find a chainsaw so we can turn that fallen tree into firewood.

Ideas for quick, frugal, filling meals

I occasionally write up my ideas for cooking on a budget - both of time and of money. As a geek, I love lifehacks (tricks that make life just a little bit easier), and as a working mom short on time who used to be a SAHM short on money, I have experience with both frugality and saving time. So I have a nice little bag of tricks by now.

Rather than continue to re-write this, I thought I'd throw a list of thoughts for recipe ideas and cooking lifehacks onto my blog. These are quick notes - leave a comment if you want a specific recipe in detail, and ask for as many as you are interested in. I will post them in the comments as they are requested. I may take as much as a week to get back, if I've lost the recipe and need to recreate it and test it on my own family first. I only get time to cook on the weekends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like marinades, personally. Cut meat into small pieces, and soak over night. Or make lots of marinade at once and then freeze several batches of meat, to save time. The marinade soaks in as the meat freezes and thaws.

Then you have many choices:
- Saute; Put the meat on pasta and use the marinade in the pan as sauce.
- Saute; Add pasta sauce - white sauce or tomato - for a more standard pasta.
- Saute; Put the meat on rice and pour the marinade in while the rice cooks to add flavor, or use marinade as a sauce.
- Pour your marinade mix, raw, into a crockpot with vegetables, beans, barley, etc. and some extra water or broth to make a stew. If you leave extra cooking time, the meat can even be frozen. Serve with bread.
- Saute, ideally in a wok; add veggies to make a stir-fry. Serve with rice.
- Cool sauteed meat in the fridge and throw it into a green salad with nuts and red onions, plus any other salad stuff that sounds good (cheese, peppers, fruit). The extra marinade makes a wonderful salad dressing.

Since lots of small pieces of meat add a lot of flavor to a dish, marinades of small pieces of meat work great for frugality (meat is the most expensive part of our grocery bill).

Marinade ideas:
- Olive oil, oregano, basil, garlic, balsamic vinegar, diced onions, and maybe a little red wine (alchohol will cook out) works on almost any meat (but mediocre for tofu, and use white wine w/ fish).
- Hoisin sauce, green onions, oyster sauce, soy sauce, vegetable oil, and sherry or white wine vinegar works great for a stir-fry or asian food - this works for chicken. beef, and tofu - but I am not sure about pork (might be too salty) or fish (*should* work).
- Olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, tarragon, white wine vinegar, and pepper works great on chicken and probably would be good on fish.

To make your own marinade recipe, use an oil, include a vinegar, citrus juice, and/or alcohol to help dissolve flavors that won't dissolve in oil, and add spices and veggies or fruits with strong flavors like onions, peppers, and citrus. I did a strawberry-balsamic vinegar marinade once (when strawberries were on sale, of course!) that worked well with beef :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can buy bulk freeze-dried veggies online at http://www.honeyvillegrain.com , and I've found these useful for prepping gift meals or cooking ahead. Give meat in a freezer bag and a mix of dried veggies, spices, beans, or stew-grains like barley and cracked wheat in a ziploc bag with instructions on how much water to add. That way, the meal doesn't take up as much freezer space but still lasts until they need it.

Lentil soups, for crockpots. Barley-lentil is filling, has complete protein (grain + legume), and you can make a soup with only dried ingredients. Add beef, ham, and/or mushrooms for more flavor; shitake mushrooms can be bought dried, although you may need to price-hunt to get a decent price - I see them for 5 times as much in some stores as in others.

Bean chili - mix spices and beans ahead of time and store on a shelf. Add additional veggies or meats day-of if desired. Try using cinnamon, sliced almonds, and mixing in lots of black beans and some raisins for a different type of chili (ask if you want a recipe). Skip the tomato and use lots of white beans, peppers, onions, and chicken broth with your chili spices for a white chili.

Potato soup, with green peppers and left-over ham or bacon.

Fried rice - left-over rice fried with veggies, ham or pork (other meats can work too, just add more salt or soy sauce), and eggs cooked in veggie or canola oil (garlic and onion recommended). Add a little soy or other Asian sauce for flavor, or sesame oil, depending on preference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casserole ideas:
Farmer's Breakfast: Use tater-tots, hash browns, or diced fried potatoes as a base. Layer bacon or ham on top. Pour uncooked scrambled eggs (mixed w/ milk, pepper, salt, etc) on top. Bake in oven.

Meatloaf - stretch the meat by adding more eggs and grains (we use oatmeal and the heels of bread that no-one wants). For variety, try adding spices to give it a different "feel" - we do fajita seasoning for Mexican, and oregano, basil, tomato, garlic for Italian.

Bread pudding, for breakfasts. Or cobblers, if there is a good fruit on sale. Mix quick-cook oatmeal, dried fruit, spices, and dried milk for fruit-and-cream oatmeal mix.

Crust-free quiche. You can mix up the dried ingredients ahead of time and just throw eggs, leftover meats and veggies, and maybe some cheese in, and then cook. I think Rikki-san is the one I learned this from.

Stuffed green peppers can be frozen ahead of time and microwaved before serving.

Shepherd's Pie is ground beef & veggies with mashed potatoes on top and freezes wonderfully. Thanks to Annaberri for letting me on to this secret.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other thoughts that have helped us save money:

- If you have friends in the restaurant business, try asking them where they buy their food - our local restaurants use "Cash and Carry", and that's where we now buy our bulk goods (wish I had a good alias for this person so I could thank her without giving out her name!).
- Use eggs, tofu, and milk or cheese to make meals more filling without expensive meat.
- Check out http://www.allrecipes.com and try an ingredient search whenever you have something you want to use up, but don't know what to do with it. Epicurious.com has similar functionality, but tends to use more expensive gourmet ingredients.

More on debt and investing

We are going to be able to pay off our debt more quickly than I thought. Which is good, since we probably won't get much of a tax return. Even without making the slightest attempt to curb our spending, we are chipping away at the debt. In the spendiest part of the year. While stocking up on meat and freeze-dried goods on top of the holiday spending.

As for our tax return being small, I took the maximum amount of exemptions that we qualified for, and have paid very little in income tax. With buying the house, we may get something back. I'm just not sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone wisely commented on how I really should have more $$ in savings on my last post - about 10 times more - and wondering how I could feel more secure with investments than savings. Well, it's not entirely rational, but there is a psychological reason I prefer stocks: I am less likely to touch them than savings.

Let's face it, the biggest risk to my savings isn't the economy or Microsoft's stock price. The greatest risk is my own bad spending habits. I am unlikely to lose even half of my savings from market volatility. If I did, though, I'd still have 50% of the money I set aside in the market. On the other hand, there are much higher odds of me spending 100% of my savings for a non-emergency if it's just in the bank. Then I am left with no savings at all, nothing but some stuff - or, more likely, memories of eating out unnecessarily and some extra pounds around my middle.

I get emotionally involved with saving through investments in a way I just don't about savings in the bank - something about the gambling nature of it all, the possible big win someday. Paying off credit card debt has a similar emotional force for me. In the end, that emotional force matters more than a set 3% rate of return in an online bank or the potential 20% loss due to market volatility and needing to withdraw at a market low. I just can't trust myself to keep $$ in the bank for very long, once I get past about one month's buffer. But I'm darned if I'm going to sell stock at a loss for anything less than an emergency, or keep paying those credit card APRs forever! For that, I will be the most frugal gal in town!

Plus I get a 10% discount on MS stock through the employee purchase plan that can help offset volatility. So that also helps me feel more secure about buying MS stock. Yes, I know I should diversify, but I really can't try to do this perfectly right now until our household gets more organized and I have more time. And that 10% buffer is too enticing. Then, too, the odds of MS tanking and wiping out all of my investments are really low - although anything is possible. So I'm putting all of my money there, until things calm down and I have a chance to think and say, "What do I really want to do with this money I'm saving each month long-term, now that I'm used to setting it aside?"

My poor, sweet 401(k)

So I, uh, looked at my 401(k) just now. I basically contributed for the employer match until right before the market started tanking last spring, and then had to take a break so I could manage our other finances. Um, yeah, about that employer match?

Gone. Entirely. With a little extra to boot. Even *with* the employer match, I've lost about $30 (-34.9% YTD change).

BUT! I'm going to be able to start investing in my 401(k) again very soon. So hopefully I'm getting some great bargains now, and will make back the money I lost and then some. Plus I'll be putting some money into my employer's stock purchase plan. The stock is selling for about half what it was earlier this year . . . yay! Of course, this means I won't be paying off my credit cards as fast (we went back into debt recently, in addition to the mortgage of course), but my gut says that we'll do OK on that anyways, and we're better off building up our savings right now. I find that it's easier for me to save by investing than by putting $$ in the bank, so that's what I'm focusing on. Having a large savings account somehow just doesn't make me feel very secure - but having $$ in investments does.

The cultural weirdness of being a breadwinning mom

I've started realizing that the label "WOHM" does not work well to describe what I do. Recently, I've run across the phrase "breadwinning mom" - and it's the phrase I was looking for in this post on searching for labels that fit me well.

So, why is it weird to be a "breadwinning mom"? Well, first of all, there's my friends. My husband and I have relatively traditional family values, and believe that having a parent care for the children is important and that family comes first. Because of this, the families we get along with are traditional families - including lots of SAHMs. In other words, my closest female friends have a schedule that is very different from mine. During the times that the working spouse traditionally gets the kids out of the SAHP's hair, I am caring for the kids and they may be getting a much needed break from their children. Is this impossible to work around? Well, no! Of course not. But still, it's just one more thing that takes a little more work.

Then there is that reoccuring theme of "expectations". Our society has some really weird expectations of breadwinning moms, a strange mesh of working-mom and breadwinner responsibilities that has a lot of wrinkles to iron out still. A lot of this is based in our strange expectations of SAHD's, which is a blend of working-dad expectations and SAHP expectations. Basically, what I see is that breadwinning dads expect a SAHD to do everything a SAHM does (and call him 'lazy' if he does anything less, although he may do it in a "manly" fashion, or with less precision and tidyness) - but women (two-income, breadwinner, or SAHM) are more likely to expect a SAHD to care for the children and do a little housework. In other words, they expect him to treat child care as a day job, and not try to integrate in the many other responsibilities of a homemaker. The problem is that this means that the breadwinning mom carries the responsibility for managing the home, according to these expectations. It's taken me some time, but I'm starting to realize that men - naturally - have a better grasp of the breadwinning role and how to make it work. I need to look to their lifestyle first, and then modify it to fit me as a woman and mother. Unfortunately, there really aren't mixed gender support groups for breadwinners the way there are for stay-at-home parents; support groups are more a "female" thing.

Finally, there is the new appreciation I have for the life of a breadwinning dad, for the role that men have filled for generations. There has been a renaissance of appreciation for the SAHM in recent years - a long-overdue celebration of a role that has lately been viewed as mindless, unchallenging, and unimportant. However, there are challenges for breadwinner dads that I think many moms don't understand. I'm going to put a line divider here, because the rest of this post is about breadwinners, in general.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHALLENGES OF BEING A BREADWINNER

Firstly, a breadwinning parent is placing his or her home and children largely into someone else's care. It helps that this person is a loving spouse and a partner in life's journey, but there is still that lack of control over so many small aspects of life that is very stressful: Everything from your daily nutrition to the values demonstrated to your children is put into another person's care. Having a spouse who doesn't value something you do - from having clean clothes for work, to healthy meals, or to letting you know about the family's day - is much more difficult when that person is in charge of caring for your clothing, shopping for and cooking your meals, and providing for your children's healthy growth and development. I'm beginning to understand why traditionally men need to be the head of the household: Otherwise, it is easy to have your needs neglected or feel like you don't matter as much because you aren't home as much. This plays out differently when the gender roles are reversed - women stay more involved in family life and parenting as breadwinners, including even having the children turn to them first when they want comfort, even though children are around Dad more. However, it's still a factor for women, I think.

Then there is the stress of having THE job for the family. Even a small reprimand from my boss gives me the jitters now (especially since I was so close to being fired so recently). Even when my husband didn't earn enough to cover our expenses if I was fired, I knew we could stretch our savings or use the credit card to cover the gaps until we fixed the hole in our income. This is true no more, and it changes my responses to household issues. When my clothes are not washed frequently enough, my first thought is "How am I going to keep this from impacting my job? No one wants an employee in stinky clothes". I worry more about my health, and want to excercise and good nutrition so that I can do my best at work. I care more about getting sleep, and am less patient with dealing with the kids in the middle of the night or bedtimes that run late and cut into my sleep. Because I am more stressed about my job, I am also more stressed about those aspects of homemaking that impact my ability to hold my job.

And finally, there is the challenge of context-switching, from the busy office where I *need* to know what's going on and be "in tune", to the home environment where I really am out of touch with the details and my frustrated spouse is having trouble understanding why I don't know where the pepper is (made more confusing by the fact that I once knew where everything was). I understand, now, why breadwinning men are so "useless" around the home: It's not incompetance, it's simply that locating daily objects requires tons of tiny little facts and bits of knowledge that someone who is outside the home ten hours most days and who doesn't manage the home just doesn't pick up.

Some of these breadwinning-men difficulties are more difficult to deal with as a mother, since there is an absurd expectation that I will, through my womanly magic, not have these same problems and continue to be a homemaking maven, the working Super-Mom extrodinaire! At the same time, I have a key advantage over most men: I've been on both sides (all three, if you include two-income homes seperately), so I can see how these attitudes develop. I could head off my husband's frustration by showing how our different sippy-cup locating skills were caused by his skill, not by my incompetance. I'm understanding now how women are actually more likely to sell traditional female work short than men, resulting in the strange expectation that anyone should be able to jump into homemaking work at the drop of a hat and do it as well as an experienced full-time homemaker. I'm understanding that homemaking work isn't as easy as homemakers think, but it is, in fact, years of practice and thoughtfulness that give them their unrecognized expertise.

So curious, that appreciation for breadwinning starts with appreciation for homemaking - but it does. Once you grok fully that "Homemaking is hard, important, and has a huge impact on the family" you suddenly understand why breadwinners can feel unwanted and out of place at home if they don't get some say over the family - why, basically, giving men respect is so important in traditional families. In reverse-traditional families, this seems to play out more as having strong communication between the man and the woman, so the woman doesn't feel out of touch and gets listened to. You get why breadwinners may complain about homemakers who don't take charge of the household fully - we complain because it MATTERS, and impacts us and our ability to care for the family as breadwinners (understanding how complaining shows respect for the work a person should do and communicates valueing that work - when phrased appropriately - was important, in our family). You can especially understand why us breadwinners seem to be less "with it" at home than second-income parents (most working moms) or SAHPs - that it's not incompetance, but rather unfamiliarity with a job that relies heavily on prior experience homemaking in that specific family and house to truly excel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I keep covering similar ground to this post in my blog, but I'm trying to refine what it is about a reverse-traditional family that is so difficult for so many people trying this family style - and why we have so much trouble discussing these problems openly. SAHDs who don't do their housework duties (and, if you look deeper, home management in general) without a huge push is a reoccurring theme among many families I've talked with (interestingly, mainly in relatively new SAHD families), but a woman who says HER family is experiencing this gets a significant backlash in many circles where she should be able to get support. For a breadwinning mom to say she needs support, even, is to invite criticism. Needing support implies that she is doing something challenging and worthwhile, and somehow that seems to take away from the challenges her husband is facing as a male homemaker and from the worthiness of his work. I believe the truth, of course, is that open support for breadwinning mom challenges would add to the support available for men - but that's another post, and this post is already long enough to be three posts.