I just threw a post up on a Catholic forum asking other employed mothers if they wanted something like the support for SAHMs from a Catholic perspective. If I get good responses, I'll probably post around in a few other places to see if the good response is consistent. I threw it up about ten minutes ago, and already have about three replies, so that's a good sign :)
If there is enough interest, I'll probably kick off a blog on the topic as a low-commitment way to gauge further the interest in such a project, to gauge my own ability to commit to such a project on top of everything else (very important to know!), to practice writing on the topic, to build community, and to start storing up a collection of links, articles, and research that maybe could later go into a book on the subject.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
What does the Catholic church say about WOHMs?
I love the way the Catholic church and its members support SAHMs, especially in the face of secular attitudes towards feminism and motherhood. I love the way it validates, uplifts, and upholds their work as the fulfillment of feminine virtue.
What I don't love is the resounding near-silence from most of the church and its members when it comes to employed moms. It's not that employed moms should be treated as an "alternate ideal", because there are good, sound reasons for mothers to generally be more involved with home life and less involved with employed life, while fathers take the opposite path in general. Yet so many mothers are employed, and many for good reasons, while the amount of support for these mothers from the church is very small. I ache every time I read one of the many wonderful articles or reviews of books written to support SAHMs, or hear about a great program like "Mary and Martha" that helps women discover their path to follow Christ in their homes, not because I resent them, but because I feel the same need for guidance that those mothers must feel - but don't get these wonderful, considerate answers that they do.
There is a saying: Be the change you want to see in the world. I'm trying to figure out if I can do this, somehow. Could I do something to give mothers like mea sense of community and holiness in their lives? Do other mothers even feel this want the way I do, or am I just different somehow? If it's not just me, can I do this in a way that does not diminish the virtues and work of SAHMs, but rather ties together motherly virtue and the workplace in such a way that WOHMs feel united with our sisters in Christ who serve their families in the homes? Can the rich advice and abundant guides to holiness for SAHMs, combined with church teachings on daily labor, give employed mothers a guide to living the virtues they've been given with the life that they've been given, so we don't feel excluded from the blessings of church community by the circumstances that lead to our employment outside the home?
I think that such a philosophy would flow quite naturally from church teachings, when those teachings are closely examined by anyone with personal experience in this area. And I want to know what this philosophy would look like. Surely there is information available. There have been saints who have pursued daily work while living holy lives, most pertinently St. Gianna. Nor can I believe that the church does not speak to the many men who labor for their families - surely many principles that apply to these men will apply to many women as well.
At the same time, such a task would be daunting at a time when there is so much else happening in my life. It would take research, interviews, networking, lots of thought, analysis of other women's needs, consideration of my own biases, community building, and so much more. Some of these tasks suit my introverted, analytical nature - but many would require me to step well outside of my comfort zone, asking for help and support from people I may admire or consider better than myself to complete this project, and interacting with many strangers over a potentially very personal topic.
I also expect that this would be less a situation of philosophy formation than of discovery. I think the answers are already out there, just buried under controversy and confusion arising from "Mommy Wars", radical feminism, and secular voices that praise employed mothers for all the wrong reasons. These are real controversies, but I firmly believe that they result from confusion, rather than from any real opposition - and "the truth will set you free." I want to uncover the hidden message of what God's revelation means for the employed mother's daily life, so we can enjoy the same rich meaning that I see in the lives of SAHMs.
What I don't love is the resounding near-silence from most of the church and its members when it comes to employed moms. It's not that employed moms should be treated as an "alternate ideal", because there are good, sound reasons for mothers to generally be more involved with home life and less involved with employed life, while fathers take the opposite path in general. Yet so many mothers are employed, and many for good reasons, while the amount of support for these mothers from the church is very small. I ache every time I read one of the many wonderful articles or reviews of books written to support SAHMs, or hear about a great program like "Mary and Martha" that helps women discover their path to follow Christ in their homes, not because I resent them, but because I feel the same need for guidance that those mothers must feel - but don't get these wonderful, considerate answers that they do.
There is a saying: Be the change you want to see in the world. I'm trying to figure out if I can do this, somehow. Could I do something to give mothers like mea sense of community and holiness in their lives? Do other mothers even feel this want the way I do, or am I just different somehow? If it's not just me, can I do this in a way that does not diminish the virtues and work of SAHMs, but rather ties together motherly virtue and the workplace in such a way that WOHMs feel united with our sisters in Christ who serve their families in the homes? Can the rich advice and abundant guides to holiness for SAHMs, combined with church teachings on daily labor, give employed mothers a guide to living the virtues they've been given with the life that they've been given, so we don't feel excluded from the blessings of church community by the circumstances that lead to our employment outside the home?
I think that such a philosophy would flow quite naturally from church teachings, when those teachings are closely examined by anyone with personal experience in this area. And I want to know what this philosophy would look like. Surely there is information available. There have been saints who have pursued daily work while living holy lives, most pertinently St. Gianna. Nor can I believe that the church does not speak to the many men who labor for their families - surely many principles that apply to these men will apply to many women as well.
At the same time, such a task would be daunting at a time when there is so much else happening in my life. It would take research, interviews, networking, lots of thought, analysis of other women's needs, consideration of my own biases, community building, and so much more. Some of these tasks suit my introverted, analytical nature - but many would require me to step well outside of my comfort zone, asking for help and support from people I may admire or consider better than myself to complete this project, and interacting with many strangers over a potentially very personal topic.
I also expect that this would be less a situation of philosophy formation than of discovery. I think the answers are already out there, just buried under controversy and confusion arising from "Mommy Wars", radical feminism, and secular voices that praise employed mothers for all the wrong reasons. These are real controversies, but I firmly believe that they result from confusion, rather than from any real opposition - and "the truth will set you free." I want to uncover the hidden message of what God's revelation means for the employed mother's daily life, so we can enjoy the same rich meaning that I see in the lives of SAHMs.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Article on Evangelism for Introverts
I am very much an introvert. I'm high-energy enough that I can come across as an extrovert, but I actually will get more and more drained the more I interact with a large number of people. I like my "me" time.
So this is the kind of advice I love: Evangelism for Introverts
And as a companion to this article, some great advice I've heard recently: "Let God do the heavy lifting."
So this is the kind of advice I love: Evangelism for Introverts
And as a companion to this article, some great advice I've heard recently: "Let God do the heavy lifting."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Building a foundation
Lately, I've been passing up a number of opportunities to help out others around me. I've intentionally been limiting how much effort I will put into anything above and beyond my most basic roles: Mother, wife, employee. The result is a very insular way of living that isn't returning into the world the gifts that God gives our family. Yet I think it is what God needs me to do right now. While I want to construct a life that will praise God as beautifully as any church, I need to start with a foundation: A family that can bear the weight of God's Will for its members.
This foundation needs to involve the entire family; I cannot create it on my own. I lack a certain level of control or independence in my life. I cannot do anything or give anything without my family also doing or giving. Even something as simple as cooking a meal for a friend who is going through a busy period requires a gift from my family. If I cook when the children are awake, my husband must watch the children with less help from me for a little longer. If I cook when they are asleep, it takes from the time my husband and I spend together as a couple, watching TV or playing video games. My husband didn't sign up for a wife who is never available to share his passion because she wants so much to fit in with her friends, and this may be part of our problems lately.
Part of me is embarressed that I'm choosing playing video games with my husband over helping a friend, but on closer examination I realize it's actually a very shallow embarressment. My situation isn't the same as the other women, where the homemaker of the family is the one drawing the family into their community, and I shouldn't be measuring myself against them. A large part of what is going on in my head is a less-shallow version of keeping up with the Jones'. The big difference is that I'm trying to keep up in an area of real value, the area of helping my friends, rather than in the area of "fancy car" or "nice house" - but otherwise, the situation is very similar. Following the caring example of a friend out of love is good; feeling guilty because I am not as helpful as my friends is honestly a little silly.
My friends already have foundations, at least for this part of their houses, and they are able to meet the needs of their community without me. Right now, I need to give my family the things they need to feel comfortable signing up, as a family, for this kind of simple ministry and making it part of our family's work. In this, I really miss the short stint I spent as a homemaker. During the time when my husband was at work, I had complete leadership over the family. I could do as I saw fit, provided I was fulfilling my responsibilities to my children. I no longer experience that sort of leadership of our family, and I find I really miss it.
This foundation needs to involve the entire family; I cannot create it on my own. I lack a certain level of control or independence in my life. I cannot do anything or give anything without my family also doing or giving. Even something as simple as cooking a meal for a friend who is going through a busy period requires a gift from my family. If I cook when the children are awake, my husband must watch the children with less help from me for a little longer. If I cook when they are asleep, it takes from the time my husband and I spend together as a couple, watching TV or playing video games. My husband didn't sign up for a wife who is never available to share his passion because she wants so much to fit in with her friends, and this may be part of our problems lately.
Part of me is embarressed that I'm choosing playing video games with my husband over helping a friend, but on closer examination I realize it's actually a very shallow embarressment. My situation isn't the same as the other women, where the homemaker of the family is the one drawing the family into their community, and I shouldn't be measuring myself against them. A large part of what is going on in my head is a less-shallow version of keeping up with the Jones'. The big difference is that I'm trying to keep up in an area of real value, the area of helping my friends, rather than in the area of "fancy car" or "nice house" - but otherwise, the situation is very similar. Following the caring example of a friend out of love is good; feeling guilty because I am not as helpful as my friends is honestly a little silly.
My friends already have foundations, at least for this part of their houses, and they are able to meet the needs of their community without me. Right now, I need to give my family the things they need to feel comfortable signing up, as a family, for this kind of simple ministry and making it part of our family's work. In this, I really miss the short stint I spent as a homemaker. During the time when my husband was at work, I had complete leadership over the family. I could do as I saw fit, provided I was fulfilling my responsibilities to my children. I no longer experience that sort of leadership of our family, and I find I really miss it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Wow . . . speak, Lord. I'm LISTENING!
In my last post, I talk about a "pull" I'm feeling. It hit me, near the end of that post, that I'm doing something very big there: I'm acknowledging my belief that this "pull" is probably God's grace - and not just my own desires or subconscious. That's either a large step closer or a large step further from where God is calling me to be: I'm either right, and acknowledging a deep and beautiful truth, or I'm delusional and letting my pride and arrogance guide me into thinking I can know God's will in this way. This calls for prayer. I definitely believe it is the first option, that this is a deep truth, but my reason for believing that is the "pull" itself. It's circular. Then again, don't we trust our senses and reason for similarly circular reasons? Because our senses confirm themselves. Because our reason assures us that our reason is correct.
It's the three together that I find shape my perception of life: the "pull", which I believe is grace and conscience; the senses, which I believe are honest interpretations of the physical world around me; and reason, which I believe is a real talent humans have that allows us to draw new conclusions from the information available to us. The leap for me is to put what I believe to be my way of experiencing conscience and grace, separate from reason, on a parity with the senses as a way to gain knowledge about the world. It's a bit more difficult to accept this "pull" as real information, because I can't confirm my experiences with others as well. We lack a vocabulary to describe the experience of grace as richly and clearly as we can describe our experiences of sight, sound, touch, and so on.
My approach with any new, basic paradigm is to "try it on for size". While at some level I've accepted these experiences as real in the past, I've also kept a strong mental buffer that I could just be making this stuff up. Is it okay to let that buffer down, or weaken it? Can I trust these experiences in a way that is more like how I trust my own sight? Is this sense real at all, real but highly distorted (possibly by sin), real and very trustworthy? Can I experience "hallucinations" of this "sense" much the way I might imagine I hear DH saying my name - only to find out it was a radio announcer saying the words "and the"? So it's time for a trial run: Act as if the paradigm shift I'm considering is accurate, and see if I continue to have greater confidence in the new model of my world than in the old.
I may be just kidding myself, but I may also be learning to consciously use a new set of "eyes" for the first time ever. Yet even if there is some truth to this idea, I also need to be prepared for another possibility: Maybe this is God's grace that I experience, but maybe I am not meant to understand it. Yet part of me responds, "Surely God would want us to understand enough to know that we can trust Him! If He is calling so hard for us to listen, through His Word, surely there must be something reliable for us to hear!"
So, uh, God? I'm listening. Are you willing to give me a microphone check? Huh . . . wait . . . I'm suspecting . . . that I'm hearing one, and it says, "40 Days for Life, test, test".
Now, the big question . . . do I post this, and risk sounding like a crazy person, speaking of senses that don't touch the physical reality? Or do I play it safe and just leave it in draft form, saved on the server but never made public?
If you are reading this, then you already know what I decided.
It's the three together that I find shape my perception of life: the "pull", which I believe is grace and conscience; the senses, which I believe are honest interpretations of the physical world around me; and reason, which I believe is a real talent humans have that allows us to draw new conclusions from the information available to us. The leap for me is to put what I believe to be my way of experiencing conscience and grace, separate from reason, on a parity with the senses as a way to gain knowledge about the world. It's a bit more difficult to accept this "pull" as real information, because I can't confirm my experiences with others as well. We lack a vocabulary to describe the experience of grace as richly and clearly as we can describe our experiences of sight, sound, touch, and so on.
My approach with any new, basic paradigm is to "try it on for size". While at some level I've accepted these experiences as real in the past, I've also kept a strong mental buffer that I could just be making this stuff up. Is it okay to let that buffer down, or weaken it? Can I trust these experiences in a way that is more like how I trust my own sight? Is this sense real at all, real but highly distorted (possibly by sin), real and very trustworthy? Can I experience "hallucinations" of this "sense" much the way I might imagine I hear DH saying my name - only to find out it was a radio announcer saying the words "and the"? So it's time for a trial run: Act as if the paradigm shift I'm considering is accurate, and see if I continue to have greater confidence in the new model of my world than in the old.
I may be just kidding myself, but I may also be learning to consciously use a new set of "eyes" for the first time ever. Yet even if there is some truth to this idea, I also need to be prepared for another possibility: Maybe this is God's grace that I experience, but maybe I am not meant to understand it. Yet part of me responds, "Surely God would want us to understand enough to know that we can trust Him! If He is calling so hard for us to listen, through His Word, surely there must be something reliable for us to hear!"
So, uh, God? I'm listening. Are you willing to give me a microphone check? Huh . . . wait . . . I'm suspecting . . . that I'm hearing one, and it says, "40 Days for Life, test, test".
Now, the big question . . . do I post this, and risk sounding like a crazy person, speaking of senses that don't touch the physical reality? Or do I play it safe and just leave it in draft form, saved on the server but never made public?
If you are reading this, then you already know what I decided.
40 Days for Life
Tomorrow is the start of 40 Days for Life, a pro-life effort to save lives of unborn children and bring our nation closer to protecting our most vulnerable, least vocal members (or at least, they should be members . . . but humanity has this tendency to try and exclude other humans from our group, and this time the excluded group can't fight back).
I've been a little out of the loop, but God has sent enough tugs that I looked into it - just in time. I think this is as He intended it. A quick round of prayer suggests to me that I don't need to go out of my way to seek out a visible role in this campaign. If God wants me distributing literature or participating in the vigil, I have this feeling that He will drop the opportunity into my lap. So on that front, I think I'm being called to "Let go and let God."
On the other hand, prayer and fasting have that familiar "pull" to them. I'm still praying on this, but looking at committing myself to 40 days of praying the Rosary daily and fasting from milk, tea, and coffee. Actually, I've been meaning to do these things anyways for health reasons - but my own good alone is somehow not enough motivation for me. To do these things for others is easier, and God will understand what I am giving - and will use the health benefits that I receive, I believe, to bring me closer to a place where I can be more actively and visibly involved in His work in the future.
The other thing "tugging" at me is to make a few phone calls. I know people who are also being pulled by this issue. I think I need to make sure a few of these people know what God is guiding right now.
I've been a little out of the loop, but God has sent enough tugs that I looked into it - just in time. I think this is as He intended it. A quick round of prayer suggests to me that I don't need to go out of my way to seek out a visible role in this campaign. If God wants me distributing literature or participating in the vigil, I have this feeling that He will drop the opportunity into my lap. So on that front, I think I'm being called to "Let go and let God."
On the other hand, prayer and fasting have that familiar "pull" to them. I'm still praying on this, but looking at committing myself to 40 days of praying the Rosary daily and fasting from milk, tea, and coffee. Actually, I've been meaning to do these things anyways for health reasons - but my own good alone is somehow not enough motivation for me. To do these things for others is easier, and God will understand what I am giving - and will use the health benefits that I receive, I believe, to bring me closer to a place where I can be more actively and visibly involved in His work in the future.
The other thing "tugging" at me is to make a few phone calls. I know people who are also being pulled by this issue. I think I need to make sure a few of these people know what God is guiding right now.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Daily prayer
I've needed to add regular daily prayer into my life for a long time. This is gaining especial importance now that the girls are becoming old enough to actively pray with me (and prayer is becoming easier - it's so much easier to do something "for the children and family" than "for myself").
Enter this website: Daily Catholic Prayer. Simple, but good.
I've been trying to remember to say grace before meals, at least at home. The girls are eager to join in the ritual of prayer, even though they do not fully understand it. Children are so eager to say, "Thank you!" I need to add prayer in before bed as well, but ritual prayers alone do not feel right to me.
I think examination of concience is perfect, however. The girls are so eager to be polite and "nice". "Thank you", "I'm sorry", and "Please" come naturally to them. Saying one of each before bed, to God, seems so natural and . . . right. And ageless. These words are appropriate at all stages of life - they are limitless in their capacity for sophistication and expression, and grow as we do.
Maybe someday we'll be ready for daily Mass or Rosaries, but for now I'll focus on a humble foundation. This temple for worshipping the Lord is not yet ready for a steeple.
My favorite gem: A prayer for work.
"Direct, we beg You, O Lord,
our actions by Your holy inspirations
And grant that we may carry them out
with Your gracious assistance,
That every prayer and work of ours
may begin always with You,
and through You be happily ended.
Amen."
Enter this website: Daily Catholic Prayer. Simple, but good.
I've been trying to remember to say grace before meals, at least at home. The girls are eager to join in the ritual of prayer, even though they do not fully understand it. Children are so eager to say, "Thank you!" I need to add prayer in before bed as well, but ritual prayers alone do not feel right to me.
I think examination of concience is perfect, however. The girls are so eager to be polite and "nice". "Thank you", "I'm sorry", and "Please" come naturally to them. Saying one of each before bed, to God, seems so natural and . . . right. And ageless. These words are appropriate at all stages of life - they are limitless in their capacity for sophistication and expression, and grow as we do.
Maybe someday we'll be ready for daily Mass or Rosaries, but for now I'll focus on a humble foundation. This temple for worshipping the Lord is not yet ready for a steeple.
My favorite gem: A prayer for work.
"Direct, we beg You, O Lord,
our actions by Your holy inspirations
And grant that we may carry them out
with Your gracious assistance,
That every prayer and work of ours
may begin always with You,
and through You be happily ended.
Amen."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sometimes I need to remember that I do love my husband.
My DH (Dear Husband and Darn Husband, at the same time) isn't really the provider type. And I'm okay with that. I knew it long before we married, and if I ever wanted to complain about it, the time was then. I conciously chose to accept that part of him, just as I chose to accept our difference in faith, his beard, and his rediculous interest in the Lovecraft mythos.
So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.
If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.
And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.
I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.
But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"
I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.
When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.
I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.
I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).
I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.
I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.
I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?
I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?
Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.
P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.
But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.
Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.
So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.
If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.
And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.
I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.
But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"
I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.
When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.
I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.
I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).
I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.
I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.
I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?
I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?
Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.
P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.
But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.
Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.
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