This post is, by no means, intended to share much of my opinion on abortion. I hope that those who know me IRL have no question as to what my beliefs are: Abortion is killing innocent humans; the only reason I distinguish between it and murder is that I think most women who choose abortion have been misled to believe that the lives they end are not yet human; I believe murder requires intent to unjustly kill.
But I didn't intend to write about my understanding of abortion in this post. I just wanted to point out a couple of lines from the FOCA:
The Freedom of Choice Act
(3) VIABILITY- The term `viability' means that stage of pregnancy when, in the best medical judgment of the attending physician based on the particular medical facts of the case before the physician, there is a reasonable likelihood of the sustained survival of the fetus outside of the woman.
...
(b) Prohibition of Interference- A government may not--
(1) deny or interfere with a woman's right to choose--
. . .
(B) to terminate a pregnancy prior to viability; or
(C) to terminate a pregnancy after viability where termination is necessary to protect the life or health of the woman; . . .
Although I still don't like the FOCA, I am glad to see that it does not confirm a woman's right to a late-term abortion (barring the gigantic loophole of part (c)).
Comments on actions we can take to prevent the FOCA would be appreciated. I was shocked that I-1000 passed. I suspect that it is too late, that the FOCA will pass anyways, but will pray for it to somehow fail. I think people fail to realize that the FOCA (and all laws allowing abortion) are essentially declaring that an entire group of humans beings will be denied their most basic right, their right to life. We simply have not done due diligence here; we have not justified this step down the slippery slope.
However, I think that even if the FOCA does pass, abortions will still drop. I think that 40 DFL and other movements are changing our culture, and that will be far more effective than legal changes in the medium term. Take my words with a grain of salt; I am an optimist, and see hope everywhere. But the FOCA cannot halt the very real change in people's hearts (nor can it halt the information from scientist's research) that is seeing evidence of human life and being starting at conception.
Showing posts with label social commentary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social commentary. Show all posts
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
This is a good approach to the environment issues
I love No Impact Man. He's a REAL open-minded liberal. As in, he works to engage people from all parts of the spectrum to support his cause.
More importantly, he thinks in a manner that feels, to me, very Catholic (although I doubt he is even a Christian). He believes strongly in stewardship of environmental resources, in loving our neighbors as ourselves, in forgiveness, and in striving for a greater good. And he believes in working together to achieve this with those who may believe differently in other areas, for the greater good.
He writes this excellent post on what he calls "environmental effectiveness". Basically, this is the idea that we want to get the most good for the least resources. Well-used resources which make people happy and fill their lives with opportunity are "environmentally effective". The beauty of this concept is that it captures many of the issues with environmentalism in a way that "sustainability" does not. It emphasizes the importance of human quality of life in a way that the environmental movement tends to gloss over. How many times have we heard the banal, despairing statement that the Earth would be better off without humanity? And how many times have we felt horror that someone should have such disregard for the virtues of their own species, horror that someone should be so willing to disregard OUR personal value, in favor of animals and pristine vistas? More specifically, in favor of animals unloved by humans and vistas unseen by humans? Humanity does believe, in general, that we are better and different than animals. Environmentalism needs to (and ought to) work with that belief.
Here is the link: http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/008905.html
More importantly, he thinks in a manner that feels, to me, very Catholic (although I doubt he is even a Christian). He believes strongly in stewardship of environmental resources, in loving our neighbors as ourselves, in forgiveness, and in striving for a greater good. And he believes in working together to achieve this with those who may believe differently in other areas, for the greater good.
He writes this excellent post on what he calls "environmental effectiveness". Basically, this is the idea that we want to get the most good for the least resources. Well-used resources which make people happy and fill their lives with opportunity are "environmentally effective". The beauty of this concept is that it captures many of the issues with environmentalism in a way that "sustainability" does not. It emphasizes the importance of human quality of life in a way that the environmental movement tends to gloss over. How many times have we heard the banal, despairing statement that the Earth would be better off without humanity? And how many times have we felt horror that someone should have such disregard for the virtues of their own species, horror that someone should be so willing to disregard OUR personal value, in favor of animals and pristine vistas? More specifically, in favor of animals unloved by humans and vistas unseen by humans? Humanity does believe, in general, that we are better and different than animals. Environmentalism needs to (and ought to) work with that belief.
Here is the link: http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/008905.html
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
40 Days for Life
Tomorrow is the start of 40 Days for Life, a pro-life effort to save lives of unborn children and bring our nation closer to protecting our most vulnerable, least vocal members (or at least, they should be members . . . but humanity has this tendency to try and exclude other humans from our group, and this time the excluded group can't fight back).
I've been a little out of the loop, but God has sent enough tugs that I looked into it - just in time. I think this is as He intended it. A quick round of prayer suggests to me that I don't need to go out of my way to seek out a visible role in this campaign. If God wants me distributing literature or participating in the vigil, I have this feeling that He will drop the opportunity into my lap. So on that front, I think I'm being called to "Let go and let God."
On the other hand, prayer and fasting have that familiar "pull" to them. I'm still praying on this, but looking at committing myself to 40 days of praying the Rosary daily and fasting from milk, tea, and coffee. Actually, I've been meaning to do these things anyways for health reasons - but my own good alone is somehow not enough motivation for me. To do these things for others is easier, and God will understand what I am giving - and will use the health benefits that I receive, I believe, to bring me closer to a place where I can be more actively and visibly involved in His work in the future.
The other thing "tugging" at me is to make a few phone calls. I know people who are also being pulled by this issue. I think I need to make sure a few of these people know what God is guiding right now.
I've been a little out of the loop, but God has sent enough tugs that I looked into it - just in time. I think this is as He intended it. A quick round of prayer suggests to me that I don't need to go out of my way to seek out a visible role in this campaign. If God wants me distributing literature or participating in the vigil, I have this feeling that He will drop the opportunity into my lap. So on that front, I think I'm being called to "Let go and let God."
On the other hand, prayer and fasting have that familiar "pull" to them. I'm still praying on this, but looking at committing myself to 40 days of praying the Rosary daily and fasting from milk, tea, and coffee. Actually, I've been meaning to do these things anyways for health reasons - but my own good alone is somehow not enough motivation for me. To do these things for others is easier, and God will understand what I am giving - and will use the health benefits that I receive, I believe, to bring me closer to a place where I can be more actively and visibly involved in His work in the future.
The other thing "tugging" at me is to make a few phone calls. I know people who are also being pulled by this issue. I think I need to make sure a few of these people know what God is guiding right now.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Monetary value of a SAHP to their family - specifically, my DH
I was running through the numbers of how much DH saves us in dollars by being a SAHP, and how much value he provides - as well as thinking about how much a SAHP *can* provide. There is a point to this, besides simple number-cruching - but I'm going to show that point at the end.
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Response to Linda Hirschman
This is an email I wrote in response to this article by Linda Hirschman.
What I like:
- [I fel the s]ame as [another wife of a SAHD]about the glass ceiling at home, although I haven’t been taking this for granted :-) but there’s been a lot of resistance when I ask for help in getting through it. This is the negative attitude that has been chaffing me so much, I think – the social reinforcement of that glass ceiling, even from those who should be most interested in breaking through it.
- Hirschman’s really trying to change things. That’s good. And she’s thinking outside the box. We need new thoughts on feminism.
- Hirschman focuses on how the path to being shouldered out starts early – college choices, marriage choices, etc. My husband made all the choices made by the young women she describes, for different reasons, but with the same results (but like many of these women, he’s happy with that).
What I don’t like:
- She dismisses the idea that women generally have authentically different values than men as conservative brainwashing, and then dismisses any woman who has those different values or believes women are fundamentally different as being brainwashed / socially pressured.
- She measures women according to traditional measures for men, and dismisses traditional measures for women as being without value. I think this is tragic - we need to apply traditional measures for women more broadly, to men *and* women, not throw them out – just as we applied more broadly the traditional measures for men when women entered the workplace (showing we valued men’s goals and ambitions).
- She has a very dismal (and in my experience, inaccurate) view of staying home. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy changing diapers, but my work as a SAHP was the most challenging, engaging work I’ve ever done. And I do have a challenging, engaging job, too – something many women don’t have.
- I find her description of SAHP work as being “lower caste” insulting to my husband, who does it, and even more insulting to me, because I asked him to do it (I am not an oppressor!). If we don’t value SAHP’s work, then the problem is in our values – not the work. And Linda Hirschman exemplifies these demeaning values, the real problem.
- She is insulting a large group of women, who would rather stay home, and makes no attempt to understand them. She simply dismisses them as a lesser group of people, unworthy of full consideration.
- She implies that there must be equal numbers of women in the work force working equal hours for feminism to succeed. Even if this is actually not what most women want.
- I don’t like her claim that women should only have one baby. This will distance her from any woman who wants two children more than she wants a career, and encourage “opting out” by implying that the two goals – multiple kids and career – are incompatible.
What I felt was missing:
- Debate about if career being equal to power and status is a good thing, something bad that can be changed, or something bad that cannot be changed. She seems to just accept that it IS.
- Mention of the wrong done to men because they are incapable. I know many men who are interested in staying home, but don’t see it happening because most women are more capable at home and their wife will already stay home to recover from birth and initiate breastfeeding.
- The obvious (albeit long-term) solution: Teach our boys to do housework. Make them as capable as our women. Give them the opportunities (and responsibilities) that we have.
- Discussion of the power or influence that women (and men) can wield inside the home, even to show that it is less than the power and influence of the workplace. She only points out the negatives.
- Discussion of social changes (like flexible workplaces, childcare subsidies) that could help. For someone complaining about how women lack power, she is slow to suggest working for broad change.
I think this premise is strongly applied, but poorly supported: “. . . what they do is bad for them, is certainly bad for society . . .” And this line, several paragraphs later, is ironic: “Good psychological data show that the more women are treated with respect, the more ambition they have”. It makes me want to yell at her, “Geesh, Linda! Then RESPECT women already, all of them! Don’t limit your respect to just those women who believe as you do and hold your values.”
I think Linda Hirschman needs to look at the group MomsRising, which is a way SAHMs can have political power – working moms too, but since many events are during the day, their ability to help is limited. I think she needs to think outside the cubicle to see how SAHMs (and SAHDs) can influence the world around them in ways working parents just . . . can’t, or not as well.
Other thoughts, from my experience:
I actually did “marry down” – not exactly intentionally, but it happened because I didn’t care about “marrying up” and, since I knew I could breadwin, I was more interested in a good father than a breadwinner. Which is exactly what I got I’d like to know how many other SAHD wives *did* marry down, intentionally or otherwise. I get the impression that the man’s lower income is often a significant factor in him staying home instead of the wife. I rarely hear of a situation where the man was equally capable of bringing in a high income and still opted out (although it’s out there).
Also, I actually do want to opt out, and am making plans to do so despite being the sole income. I want to cut back to part-time and live on ½ income for our entire family in ten years (the earliest I think we can afford it). DH and I are really excited about this plan – part-time at 35, retired at 55. I think there are a lot of families where both parents would rather stay home than work, but creating a family where both parents are primarily homemakers / parents is tough and unconventional. However, if we can pull it off it will be really, really cool. And we can have a big family Something I’ve always wanted.
I wonder what Linda Hirschman would think of our “half-income family” plans. A step in the right direction, because it’s more equal and challenges common assumptions about gender? Or a step back, because another woman is opting out?
What I like:
- [I fel the s]ame as [another wife of a SAHD]about the glass ceiling at home, although I haven’t been taking this for granted :-) but there’s been a lot of resistance when I ask for help in getting through it. This is the negative attitude that has been chaffing me so much, I think – the social reinforcement of that glass ceiling, even from those who should be most interested in breaking through it.
- Hirschman’s really trying to change things. That’s good. And she’s thinking outside the box. We need new thoughts on feminism.
- Hirschman focuses on how the path to being shouldered out starts early – college choices, marriage choices, etc. My husband made all the choices made by the young women she describes, for different reasons, but with the same results (but like many of these women, he’s happy with that).
What I don’t like:
- She dismisses the idea that women generally have authentically different values than men as conservative brainwashing, and then dismisses any woman who has those different values or believes women are fundamentally different as being brainwashed / socially pressured.
- She measures women according to traditional measures for men, and dismisses traditional measures for women as being without value. I think this is tragic - we need to apply traditional measures for women more broadly, to men *and* women, not throw them out – just as we applied more broadly the traditional measures for men when women entered the workplace (showing we valued men’s goals and ambitions).
- She has a very dismal (and in my experience, inaccurate) view of staying home. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy changing diapers, but my work as a SAHP was the most challenging, engaging work I’ve ever done. And I do have a challenging, engaging job, too – something many women don’t have.
- I find her description of SAHP work as being “lower caste” insulting to my husband, who does it, and even more insulting to me, because I asked him to do it (I am not an oppressor!). If we don’t value SAHP’s work, then the problem is in our values – not the work. And Linda Hirschman exemplifies these demeaning values, the real problem.
- She is insulting a large group of women, who would rather stay home, and makes no attempt to understand them. She simply dismisses them as a lesser group of people, unworthy of full consideration.
- She implies that there must be equal numbers of women in the work force working equal hours for feminism to succeed. Even if this is actually not what most women want.
- I don’t like her claim that women should only have one baby. This will distance her from any woman who wants two children more than she wants a career, and encourage “opting out” by implying that the two goals – multiple kids and career – are incompatible.
What I felt was missing:
- Debate about if career being equal to power and status is a good thing, something bad that can be changed, or something bad that cannot be changed. She seems to just accept that it IS.
- Mention of the wrong done to men because they are incapable. I know many men who are interested in staying home, but don’t see it happening because most women are more capable at home and their wife will already stay home to recover from birth and initiate breastfeeding.
- The obvious (albeit long-term) solution: Teach our boys to do housework. Make them as capable as our women. Give them the opportunities (and responsibilities) that we have.
- Discussion of the power or influence that women (and men) can wield inside the home, even to show that it is less than the power and influence of the workplace. She only points out the negatives.
- Discussion of social changes (like flexible workplaces, childcare subsidies) that could help. For someone complaining about how women lack power, she is slow to suggest working for broad change.
I think this premise is strongly applied, but poorly supported: “. . . what they do is bad for them, is certainly bad for society . . .” And this line, several paragraphs later, is ironic: “Good psychological data show that the more women are treated with respect, the more ambition they have”. It makes me want to yell at her, “Geesh, Linda! Then RESPECT women already, all of them! Don’t limit your respect to just those women who believe as you do and hold your values.”
I think Linda Hirschman needs to look at the group MomsRising, which is a way SAHMs can have political power – working moms too, but since many events are during the day, their ability to help is limited. I think she needs to think outside the cubicle to see how SAHMs (and SAHDs) can influence the world around them in ways working parents just . . . can’t, or not as well.
Other thoughts, from my experience:
I actually did “marry down” – not exactly intentionally, but it happened because I didn’t care about “marrying up” and, since I knew I could breadwin, I was more interested in a good father than a breadwinner. Which is exactly what I got I’d like to know how many other SAHD wives *did* marry down, intentionally or otherwise. I get the impression that the man’s lower income is often a significant factor in him staying home instead of the wife. I rarely hear of a situation where the man was equally capable of bringing in a high income and still opted out (although it’s out there).
Also, I actually do want to opt out, and am making plans to do so despite being the sole income. I want to cut back to part-time and live on ½ income for our entire family in ten years (the earliest I think we can afford it). DH and I are really excited about this plan – part-time at 35, retired at 55. I think there are a lot of families where both parents would rather stay home than work, but creating a family where both parents are primarily homemakers / parents is tough and unconventional. However, if we can pull it off it will be really, really cool. And we can have a big family Something I’ve always wanted.
I wonder what Linda Hirschman would think of our “half-income family” plans. A step in the right direction, because it’s more equal and challenges common assumptions about gender? Or a step back, because another woman is opting out?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
