Some more things about home life that are putting a smile on my face:
- When I came home, Iliana was able to tell me about something fun that had happened clearly enough that I could understand it. Apparently, she and her sister ate cheese outside, at the little table (a toy picnic table set that was a gift from their grandparents)! She was very happy about the novelty.
- DH just helped me realize that I could combine a work task with a home task, and save a little time.
- A friend sent out an email about a subject she cares about strongly, which I also care about - but disagree with her about. DH sent out a simple, well-worded, fact-based reply that was far better and more graceful than anything I could have written, focused on sharing more information and fostering discussion rather than on "arguing a point".
Wow. I'm so glad I couldn't find the words now. What I wanted to say sounds arrogant and shallow next to his simple, to-the-point response. Best of all, he left plenty of room for reply - he didn't assume that what he said was the end of the discussion, but rather ended with a question. I think the question will be difficult to answer, but maybe there are facts DH and I don't have. The important thing is that now there is a discussion, and everyone is going to have a chance to learn a little bit more about the issue (drilling at ANWR).
So not only did DH do something I wanted to do even better than I could do it, he also modelled a virtue I crave (humility) and a skill I desire (fostering healthy discussion of important issues).
*Swoon*
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
5 things that give me the warm-fuzzies about DH
I've written a couple of posts where I refer to the frustrations I've had lately because DH has really been struggling with his basic job. And yeah, it's frustrating, but at the same time I really believe it's worth the frustration. Right now, things really aren't completely "working" again since moving shook things up, but things are starting to fall into place and I'm regaining my optimism. There are a number of little signs that things are getting close to working that just make me feel warm, proud of DH, and a little less vulnerable (I'm not used to depending on someone like this).
1. Seeing his name, not mine, on the utility bills that come in the mail (he's taken over paying them!).
2. Coming home to a hot dinner, timed to be done shortly after I arrive! (I know that this takes planning and organization - so if he is using these skills for dinner now, soon he'll be using them in other places too :-)
3. Seeing new chalk scribbles on the brick patio outside, and even the crayon scribbles in the house - it's neat that he's teaching the girls to draw, even if the result is abstract, avant-garde colored-wax decor in inspiring new locations - like the toilit lid.
4. Having DH "nag" me about my chores. Because it means he's managing *my* responsibilities at home now, instead of the other way around.
5. Having DH remind me about focusing on my job via IM while I'm at work. Because it means he cares and values what I do at work and wants to make sure I'm doing it (I've been having trouble focusing lately - bad me!).
I think part of the frustration for me lately has been a feeling of vulnerability. For the first time in my life, I've allowed someone else to take over the primary care of the things I care about most in this world (our children and our home), and I'm scared that he's not going to rise to the challenge. I believe DH is capable, I'm just afraid at some level that maybe he doesn't care enough to do the work. That maybe he doesn't love the girls and I enough. Yeah, I know - I'm a really insecure individual.
:-P
And yes, I know this post is rather intraspective and diary-ish, but I always said that this blog was more of a diary than a web log. I don't care that much about my own reactions, I get those every day while I'm musing and driving to work :-) But if someone reads this and has a thought to share with me, I always love that! And if no one has time or interest - well, I can't blame them. It's my life, after all, and the things on my mind - I'm not making an effort to write for other's interest.
I guess I just want to say, if anyone reads this and thinks, "geesh, this is boring, why does she even bother?" and feels bad - don't. As a diary, the main audience here is actually myself. You should feel free to be bored, or think that this is a bit silly and angsty and that other people have much bigger problems.
But if you *do* read this and leave a comment, you'll make my day! ;-)
1. Seeing his name, not mine, on the utility bills that come in the mail (he's taken over paying them!).
2. Coming home to a hot dinner, timed to be done shortly after I arrive! (I know that this takes planning and organization - so if he is using these skills for dinner now, soon he'll be using them in other places too :-)
3. Seeing new chalk scribbles on the brick patio outside, and even the crayon scribbles in the house - it's neat that he's teaching the girls to draw, even if the result is abstract, avant-garde colored-wax decor in inspiring new locations - like the toilit lid.
4. Having DH "nag" me about my chores. Because it means he's managing *my* responsibilities at home now, instead of the other way around.
5. Having DH remind me about focusing on my job via IM while I'm at work. Because it means he cares and values what I do at work and wants to make sure I'm doing it (I've been having trouble focusing lately - bad me!).
I think part of the frustration for me lately has been a feeling of vulnerability. For the first time in my life, I've allowed someone else to take over the primary care of the things I care about most in this world (our children and our home), and I'm scared that he's not going to rise to the challenge. I believe DH is capable, I'm just afraid at some level that maybe he doesn't care enough to do the work. That maybe he doesn't love the girls and I enough. Yeah, I know - I'm a really insecure individual.
:-P
And yes, I know this post is rather intraspective and diary-ish, but I always said that this blog was more of a diary than a web log. I don't care that much about my own reactions, I get those every day while I'm musing and driving to work :-) But if someone reads this and has a thought to share with me, I always love that! And if no one has time or interest - well, I can't blame them. It's my life, after all, and the things on my mind - I'm not making an effort to write for other's interest.
I guess I just want to say, if anyone reads this and thinks, "geesh, this is boring, why does she even bother?" and feels bad - don't. As a diary, the main audience here is actually myself. You should feel free to be bored, or think that this is a bit silly and angsty and that other people have much bigger problems.
But if you *do* read this and leave a comment, you'll make my day! ;-)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Monetary value of a SAHP to their family - specifically, my DH
I was running through the numbers of how much DH saves us in dollars by being a SAHP, and how much value he provides - as well as thinking about how much a SAHP *can* provide. There is a point to this, besides simple number-cruching - but I'm going to show that point at the end.
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.
On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.
We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).
We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.
I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)
Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).
So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.
Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.
Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?
A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.
For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).
And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.
And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.
Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:
Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.
When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.
With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Response to Linda Hirschman
This is an email I wrote in response to this article by Linda Hirschman.
What I like:
- [I fel the s]ame as [another wife of a SAHD]about the glass ceiling at home, although I haven’t been taking this for granted :-) but there’s been a lot of resistance when I ask for help in getting through it. This is the negative attitude that has been chaffing me so much, I think – the social reinforcement of that glass ceiling, even from those who should be most interested in breaking through it.
- Hirschman’s really trying to change things. That’s good. And she’s thinking outside the box. We need new thoughts on feminism.
- Hirschman focuses on how the path to being shouldered out starts early – college choices, marriage choices, etc. My husband made all the choices made by the young women she describes, for different reasons, but with the same results (but like many of these women, he’s happy with that).
What I don’t like:
- She dismisses the idea that women generally have authentically different values than men as conservative brainwashing, and then dismisses any woman who has those different values or believes women are fundamentally different as being brainwashed / socially pressured.
- She measures women according to traditional measures for men, and dismisses traditional measures for women as being without value. I think this is tragic - we need to apply traditional measures for women more broadly, to men *and* women, not throw them out – just as we applied more broadly the traditional measures for men when women entered the workplace (showing we valued men’s goals and ambitions).
- She has a very dismal (and in my experience, inaccurate) view of staying home. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy changing diapers, but my work as a SAHP was the most challenging, engaging work I’ve ever done. And I do have a challenging, engaging job, too – something many women don’t have.
- I find her description of SAHP work as being “lower caste” insulting to my husband, who does it, and even more insulting to me, because I asked him to do it (I am not an oppressor!). If we don’t value SAHP’s work, then the problem is in our values – not the work. And Linda Hirschman exemplifies these demeaning values, the real problem.
- She is insulting a large group of women, who would rather stay home, and makes no attempt to understand them. She simply dismisses them as a lesser group of people, unworthy of full consideration.
- She implies that there must be equal numbers of women in the work force working equal hours for feminism to succeed. Even if this is actually not what most women want.
- I don’t like her claim that women should only have one baby. This will distance her from any woman who wants two children more than she wants a career, and encourage “opting out” by implying that the two goals – multiple kids and career – are incompatible.
What I felt was missing:
- Debate about if career being equal to power and status is a good thing, something bad that can be changed, or something bad that cannot be changed. She seems to just accept that it IS.
- Mention of the wrong done to men because they are incapable. I know many men who are interested in staying home, but don’t see it happening because most women are more capable at home and their wife will already stay home to recover from birth and initiate breastfeeding.
- The obvious (albeit long-term) solution: Teach our boys to do housework. Make them as capable as our women. Give them the opportunities (and responsibilities) that we have.
- Discussion of the power or influence that women (and men) can wield inside the home, even to show that it is less than the power and influence of the workplace. She only points out the negatives.
- Discussion of social changes (like flexible workplaces, childcare subsidies) that could help. For someone complaining about how women lack power, she is slow to suggest working for broad change.
I think this premise is strongly applied, but poorly supported: “. . . what they do is bad for them, is certainly bad for society . . .” And this line, several paragraphs later, is ironic: “Good psychological data show that the more women are treated with respect, the more ambition they have”. It makes me want to yell at her, “Geesh, Linda! Then RESPECT women already, all of them! Don’t limit your respect to just those women who believe as you do and hold your values.”
I think Linda Hirschman needs to look at the group MomsRising, which is a way SAHMs can have political power – working moms too, but since many events are during the day, their ability to help is limited. I think she needs to think outside the cubicle to see how SAHMs (and SAHDs) can influence the world around them in ways working parents just . . . can’t, or not as well.
Other thoughts, from my experience:
I actually did “marry down” – not exactly intentionally, but it happened because I didn’t care about “marrying up” and, since I knew I could breadwin, I was more interested in a good father than a breadwinner. Which is exactly what I got I’d like to know how many other SAHD wives *did* marry down, intentionally or otherwise. I get the impression that the man’s lower income is often a significant factor in him staying home instead of the wife. I rarely hear of a situation where the man was equally capable of bringing in a high income and still opted out (although it’s out there).
Also, I actually do want to opt out, and am making plans to do so despite being the sole income. I want to cut back to part-time and live on ½ income for our entire family in ten years (the earliest I think we can afford it). DH and I are really excited about this plan – part-time at 35, retired at 55. I think there are a lot of families where both parents would rather stay home than work, but creating a family where both parents are primarily homemakers / parents is tough and unconventional. However, if we can pull it off it will be really, really cool. And we can have a big family Something I’ve always wanted.
I wonder what Linda Hirschman would think of our “half-income family” plans. A step in the right direction, because it’s more equal and challenges common assumptions about gender? Or a step back, because another woman is opting out?
What I like:
- [I fel the s]ame as [another wife of a SAHD]about the glass ceiling at home, although I haven’t been taking this for granted :-) but there’s been a lot of resistance when I ask for help in getting through it. This is the negative attitude that has been chaffing me so much, I think – the social reinforcement of that glass ceiling, even from those who should be most interested in breaking through it.
- Hirschman’s really trying to change things. That’s good. And she’s thinking outside the box. We need new thoughts on feminism.
- Hirschman focuses on how the path to being shouldered out starts early – college choices, marriage choices, etc. My husband made all the choices made by the young women she describes, for different reasons, but with the same results (but like many of these women, he’s happy with that).
What I don’t like:
- She dismisses the idea that women generally have authentically different values than men as conservative brainwashing, and then dismisses any woman who has those different values or believes women are fundamentally different as being brainwashed / socially pressured.
- She measures women according to traditional measures for men, and dismisses traditional measures for women as being without value. I think this is tragic - we need to apply traditional measures for women more broadly, to men *and* women, not throw them out – just as we applied more broadly the traditional measures for men when women entered the workplace (showing we valued men’s goals and ambitions).
- She has a very dismal (and in my experience, inaccurate) view of staying home. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy changing diapers, but my work as a SAHP was the most challenging, engaging work I’ve ever done. And I do have a challenging, engaging job, too – something many women don’t have.
- I find her description of SAHP work as being “lower caste” insulting to my husband, who does it, and even more insulting to me, because I asked him to do it (I am not an oppressor!). If we don’t value SAHP’s work, then the problem is in our values – not the work. And Linda Hirschman exemplifies these demeaning values, the real problem.
- She is insulting a large group of women, who would rather stay home, and makes no attempt to understand them. She simply dismisses them as a lesser group of people, unworthy of full consideration.
- She implies that there must be equal numbers of women in the work force working equal hours for feminism to succeed. Even if this is actually not what most women want.
- I don’t like her claim that women should only have one baby. This will distance her from any woman who wants two children more than she wants a career, and encourage “opting out” by implying that the two goals – multiple kids and career – are incompatible.
What I felt was missing:
- Debate about if career being equal to power and status is a good thing, something bad that can be changed, or something bad that cannot be changed. She seems to just accept that it IS.
- Mention of the wrong done to men because they are incapable. I know many men who are interested in staying home, but don’t see it happening because most women are more capable at home and their wife will already stay home to recover from birth and initiate breastfeeding.
- The obvious (albeit long-term) solution: Teach our boys to do housework. Make them as capable as our women. Give them the opportunities (and responsibilities) that we have.
- Discussion of the power or influence that women (and men) can wield inside the home, even to show that it is less than the power and influence of the workplace. She only points out the negatives.
- Discussion of social changes (like flexible workplaces, childcare subsidies) that could help. For someone complaining about how women lack power, she is slow to suggest working for broad change.
I think this premise is strongly applied, but poorly supported: “. . . what they do is bad for them, is certainly bad for society . . .” And this line, several paragraphs later, is ironic: “Good psychological data show that the more women are treated with respect, the more ambition they have”. It makes me want to yell at her, “Geesh, Linda! Then RESPECT women already, all of them! Don’t limit your respect to just those women who believe as you do and hold your values.”
I think Linda Hirschman needs to look at the group MomsRising, which is a way SAHMs can have political power – working moms too, but since many events are during the day, their ability to help is limited. I think she needs to think outside the cubicle to see how SAHMs (and SAHDs) can influence the world around them in ways working parents just . . . can’t, or not as well.
Other thoughts, from my experience:
I actually did “marry down” – not exactly intentionally, but it happened because I didn’t care about “marrying up” and, since I knew I could breadwin, I was more interested in a good father than a breadwinner. Which is exactly what I got I’d like to know how many other SAHD wives *did* marry down, intentionally or otherwise. I get the impression that the man’s lower income is often a significant factor in him staying home instead of the wife. I rarely hear of a situation where the man was equally capable of bringing in a high income and still opted out (although it’s out there).
Also, I actually do want to opt out, and am making plans to do so despite being the sole income. I want to cut back to part-time and live on ½ income for our entire family in ten years (the earliest I think we can afford it). DH and I are really excited about this plan – part-time at 35, retired at 55. I think there are a lot of families where both parents would rather stay home than work, but creating a family where both parents are primarily homemakers / parents is tough and unconventional. However, if we can pull it off it will be really, really cool. And we can have a big family Something I’ve always wanted.
I wonder what Linda Hirschman would think of our “half-income family” plans. A step in the right direction, because it’s more equal and challenges common assumptions about gender? Or a step back, because another woman is opting out?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My team (at work) rocks
http://gizmodo.com/5017416/microsoft-mistakes-browser-war-for-browser-party-sends-firefox-a-lovely-cake
Hee! For those who don't know, I'm on the Internet Explorer Test team. No, I didn't know about this cake - but it's uber awesome and fun.
Hee! For those who don't know, I'm on the Internet Explorer Test team. No, I didn't know about this cake - but it's uber awesome and fun.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I need to write something about SAHD families
I'm trying to find the words to say something about what I see in the world of SAHD families. It's at odds with most of the media coverage lately, which has focused on successes and on the dads. I want to say something about the moms, and about the tough situations. I want to say something about the support we need, and don't get, and why we don't get it.
Right now I'm working on finding the words. And then I'll work on writing it, and figuring out how to make sure the right people see it and comment on it. I'm hoping it will be controversial. I'm hoping it will make people stop and think. Right now, I just want to hear people talk. I want to fill the comments section of this blog. I want moms and dads, stay-at-home and working, to comment and talk about this.
But first, I need to work out what exactly to say and how to say it.
I guess I'm posting this first to make sure I don't forget, to commit myself just a little so I don't forget the passion I feel right now.
Right now I'm working on finding the words. And then I'll work on writing it, and figuring out how to make sure the right people see it and comment on it. I'm hoping it will be controversial. I'm hoping it will make people stop and think. Right now, I just want to hear people talk. I want to fill the comments section of this blog. I want moms and dads, stay-at-home and working, to comment and talk about this.
But first, I need to work out what exactly to say and how to say it.
I guess I'm posting this first to make sure I don't forget, to commit myself just a little so I don't forget the passion I feel right now.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sometimes I need to remember that I do love my husband.
My DH (Dear Husband and Darn Husband, at the same time) isn't really the provider type. And I'm okay with that. I knew it long before we married, and if I ever wanted to complain about it, the time was then. I conciously chose to accept that part of him, just as I chose to accept our difference in faith, his beard, and his rediculous interest in the Lovecraft mythos.
So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.
If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.
And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.
I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.
But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"
I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.
When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.
I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.
I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).
I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.
I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.
I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?
I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?
Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.
P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.
But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.
Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.
So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.
If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.
And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.
I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.
But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"
I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.
When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.
I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.
I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).
I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.
I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.
I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?
I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?
Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.
P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.
But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.
Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.
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